tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-52676522012-02-16T07:56:06.736-05:00Musings and Ramblings of the self proclaimed King of the Wild FrontierKOTWFnoreply@blogger.comBlogger1901100tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-28951461048131254172007-04-23T14:20:00.000-04:002007-04-23T14:22:27.239-04:00

We will be experiencing a brief media outage. Please bring your seats and tray tables to the full upright and locked position. Make yourself comfortable while we try out our new digs......KOTWF

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1163175048453252192006-11-10T11:08:00.000-05:002006-11-10T11:10:48.466-05:00

I drank what?!?Had a little too much to drink last night at the Vetinari Victory Celebration. Woke up this morning with the worst hangover of my life.....

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1162311787578530832006-10-31T11:06:00.000-05:002006-10-31T11:23:07.600-05:00

Vetinari For MayorMatthew Baldwin of Defective Yeti had a brilliant idea a few years ago, when the neighbor kid started putting out political signs to elect Harry Potter. He joined the fun.Now he is hosting a little contest over at The Morning News in which he invites you to do the same. Read Enyclopedia Brown for District Attorney.These are my contributions.

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1155591586374956972006-08-14T17:30:00.000-04:002006-08-14T17:49:46.816-04:00

N'Awlins Roundup!A friend of mine is heading to New Orleans next month for her anniversary. Being as I've spent quite a few barely remembered hours in the city, she asked for my advice on things to check out while there, specifically, where to go for her Anniversary Dinner. After some consideration, I decided to post what I sent her here as well, in the hopes that maybe a few people might take

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com3tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1154638039969146172006-08-03T16:44:00.000-04:002006-08-03T17:18:57.966-04:00

Click At Your Own Risk. NSFW.We'll get back in to this thing with an educational post.On my 20 minute morning commute, I listen to the The Bob and Tom Show. I find that 20 minutes is about the perfect dose, in which they are pretty funny, and don't start to grate on you. In any event, yesterday morning, they played the song "Internet Porn" by Da Vinci's Notebook. I decided to type up the lyrics

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1143235632152461082006-03-24T16:19:00.000-05:002006-03-24T16:27:12.163-05:00

...And She Can Deep Throat the BottleThis article seems like it is just ripe for jokes. But where to begin? Do I comment on the fact that I've seen her drink something out of a wine glass, but it definitely wasn't FDA approved? Do I joke about how she is saving money on raw materials because one of the ingredients is yeast? Should I suggest that a bottle of her wine and one of her videos is

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com5tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1142466463292570812006-03-15T18:47:00.000-05:002006-03-15T18:47:43.306-05:00

Memories of a Great Man I Never Met27 years ago today, there was an accident. My grandfather, the man who selected and purchased the farm on which half of my family lives, the man who built the riverfront cottage from which I have so many memories, the man who founded the company that puts food on the table of my grandmother, father, stepmom, uncles, aunts, cousins, and takes care of my wife and

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1142024727941316262006-03-10T16:03:00.000-05:002006-03-10T16:05:27.953-05:00

Here's What I Think of You!Suckers.Almost used to this fatherhood thing. Be back soon.

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1139860624378982742006-02-13T14:50:00.000-05:002006-02-13T14:57:04.390-05:00

The Force is Strong with This One...You will change my diaper now...

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1139487664927472632006-02-09T07:15:00.000-05:002006-02-09T07:21:04.936-05:00

Recent DevelopmentsName: Little Miss MagicFather: KOTWFMother: RedDOB: February 5, 2006Time of Birth: 3:15 pmWeight: 9 pounds 2 OuncesLength: 21 InchesMore to come after I've had some sleep.

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1138895455726376512006-02-02T10:44:00.000-05:002006-02-02T16:20:26.866-05:00

Paid AdvertisementComing soon, to a theatre near you: GIRLS GONE WILDE!Special thanks to Oarah for helping clean up my amateurish photoshop.

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1138717922619637252006-01-31T09:21:00.000-05:002006-01-31T09:32:02.630-05:00

The Things I Do For YouI know I haven't been around much. This whole fatherhood thing is kicking my ass. And I'm not even there yet. Red and I got to spend the night in the hospital last night, getting her blood pressure, temperature, and reflexes checked every half-hour. On the plus side, they gave her a sedative, so she slept almost through the night, which means I slept almost through the

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1137638957875096402006-01-18T21:39:00.000-05:002006-01-18T21:50:09.090-05:00

Home Entertainment!There are a lot of changes going on among the females in the house. Red is getting pregnanter and pregnanter ( is that possible or a word?) and, in the meantime, our dog Layla has gone through the change of life prematurely.For a cool Franklin, our veterinarian was happy to put her on one of those instantaneous weight loss programs. You know the ones. She went in weighing 23

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1137080576770815472006-01-12T10:29:00.000-05:002006-01-12T10:42:56.783-05:00

Change is in the windThanks for reading! (cue crickets) I know it's been a while since I've posted, but I've been busy.What!?! You ask. How could anything take me away from this blog, which I snatched from the jaws of death and raised from a cub as if it was my own? What in the world, besides the last fitful slumber of my mortal coil, could prevent me posting the details of who said what at the

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1114695424316549992005-04-28T09:36:00.000-04:002005-04-28T13:25:09.050-04:00

Apparently, I like wasting my time reading other people’s shitMatthew over at Defective Yeti has started a meme which is supposed to say something about you by listing the most recent site you’ve visited for each letter of the alphabet. Follow the link below to read all the details or to make your own list. Mine’s below. Luckily Matthew only included letters, so it looks like I visit a lot less

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1113856252340915832005-04-18T16:28:00.000-04:002005-04-18T16:30:52.340-04:00

What Are the Odds?With the Papal Election commencing, and given the human condition/tendency toward sin, and given that everybody is always looking for a quick buck, does this surprise anybody? If you've following the news at all, then the front runners shouldn't surprise you, but I think I will agree with The New York Times' Frank Delaney when placing my bets:Still, were the lure of gambling to

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1113488517405659872005-04-14T10:21:00.000-04:002005-04-14T10:21:57.406-04:00

ProblemsSorry I haven’t been posting that often. You see, I’m concerned because I think my wife might be dead.The sex is the same, but the dishes are starting to pile up……

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1112975003028693802005-04-08T11:41:00.000-04:002005-04-08T11:46:03.830-04:00

I Already Said I’m SorryCome on. Don’t be that way. I don’t do it on purpose you know. We have a relationship based on honesty, and I’m trying to be as honest as I can with you. That’s why I’m telling you this. I’m not trying to hurt you. No, I’m not. I know it may feel like that sometimes, but I think that we will be stronger and better if I can just get this out.I still love you. You’re my

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1112109367677517222005-03-29T10:14:00.001-05:002005-03-29T10:16:07.683-05:00

Part 3My father got so drunk the next night that he spent a couple hours talking to my brother and I about our inheritance. Whenever we would tell him that we understood and he didn’t need to worry about us, he would say that we needed to know this because he could die at any time. Hell, he said, he could get syphilis tonight.A new couple arrived at the fishing camp that evening, and they joined

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1112041929264941882005-03-28T15:29:00.000-05:002005-03-28T15:32:09.270-05:00

Part 2A van was waiting for us, so we climbed in with our luggage and asked that we please be taken to a liquor store. After spending forty Belize dollars (twenty US) we climbed back into the van carrying two bottles of rum and a bottle of vodka. The brief Island tour continued as we made our way to the dock where a boat was waiting.San Pedro is a beautiful, touristy, third world town. There are

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1111767341844288332005-03-25T11:15:00.000-05:002005-03-25T11:15:41.850-05:00

Part 1We started drinking before we left the hotel. Nothing unusual there. It was after five….am.There we were, three weary travelers, surrounded by blackness, making our way to the airport with our luggage over our shoulders and bottles of Black Seal Rum held tight within our grasp. We had a long day ahead of us, and we needed to be fortified against it. We each took another swig.At the airport,

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1111500894411946162005-03-22T09:13:00.000-05:002005-03-22T09:14:54.413-05:00

Trouble in ParadiseBlondage and I (oh yeah, during the hiatus she went through a rainbow of different colors, and ended up dipping her hair in the pot of gold at the end) have been trying to figure out where to go on vacation. One of the requirements of marrying me is that I have to show her the world. So far, I’ve shown her Lubeck.Not a good start.So we have decided that we should go somewhere

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1111175419569507542005-03-18T14:20:00.000-05:002005-03-18T14:50:19.570-05:00

What’s the Plural of Hiatus?Hiatuses? Hiati? Hyatts?Whatever.That’s where I’ve been. On Hiatians. I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching over the last five months, and I’ve come to the conclusion that I don’t have one.More details will come along later, but for those of you still reading (crickets chirp here…..) I’ll give you the cliff’s notes of the KOTWF’s dealings, in random chronological

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1098332156882013232004-10-21T01:11:00.000-04:002004-10-21T00:15:56.883-04:00

Honeymoon is OVER! I'm back from the Islands, with my new bride. I just got home, and don't feel like writing much now. Once I'm back in the swing of things, I'll tell you all about the trip. But, until then, I did promise to share my wedding night toast with all of you, so here it is: Ladies and Gentlemen, fill your glasses. This is going to be a long toast. Tonight, I am the luckiest

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1097335925503027192004-10-09T11:27:00.000-04:002004-10-09T11:32:05.503-04:00

Big Day! Today I marry the woman of my dreams. Today, Red and I tie the knot, get hitched, walk the plank into shark infested waters with a cannonball attached to our feet. Pick your metaphor. Anyway, I thought I'd treat you to the text from my toast at the rehearsal dinner last night. When I get back from the honeymoon, I'll tell you all about it, and show you groom's toast from the wedding

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1095789414239990582004-09-21T13:51:00.000-04:002004-09-21T13:56:54.240-04:00

Flood Watch We made the national news. Ivan the Terrible sent us 20 inches of rain in 20 hours, and gave us the worst flood in 50 years. I woke up Saturday morning and sat in the front room drinking coffee. After a while, I started to wonder why there was so much goddamn traffic on my road. That was when it hit me that my road had become a detour because of flooding. It wasn’t until about an

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1095358154353103942004-09-16T14:07:00.000-04:002004-09-16T14:09:14.353-04:00

Excuses It’s like this. You wake up one morning, and realize that you’re not happy with your life. It’s the same thing, day in and day out. Wake up, take aspirin, swear off booze, brush teeth, brush hair, go to work, beat head against wall for 8 hours, blog, go home, eat dinner, drink gin, watch Law and Order, drink gin, watch Law and Order, drink gin, watch Law and Order, drink gin, watch Law

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1090002421423715542004-07-16T14:25:00.000-04:002004-07-16T14:27:01.423-04:00

Bugs, Man! BUGS! I think I have some issues. Last night, I dreamed that I was in my bedroom. But it wasn’t my bedroom. But it was, you know? And I was moving a big dresser around, the kind with a mirror at the back, when I disturbed a nest. Out from behind this dresser come a shitload of insects. There were wasps, and there were hornets, and they were all walking along the ground. Not a

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1089727313151711832004-07-13T09:51:00.000-04:002004-07-13T10:01:53.150-04:00

Soon With the Honeymoon fast approaching, I'm beginning to feel a hankering for the open sea. Almost every night now, I dream about sitting on the balcony, looking out over the Gulf, drinking a Margarita, or, if I drink out of my left hand, a gin and tonic. Then I wake up in Ohio. And it is raining, because, well, that's what it does here. And I have to go to work, where I am filling in

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1089318282588896212004-07-08T16:24:00.000-04:002004-07-08T16:24:42.586-04:00

Anniversary Just my luck! I had plans to take Red to a wonderful restaurant where she would be treated to champagne, tableside Caesar, lobster, and tableside bananas foster for dessert. And the entire Goddamn Restaurant has taken a week’s vacation.

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1088695132197194672004-07-01T11:15:00.000-04:002004-07-01T11:18:52.200-04:00

Date Night Red and I have an interesting relationship. “Interesting,” I say because of the unavoidable fact that I am nothing but an egregious asshole, parading as corpulent man-flesh. To overcome my lesser qualities, which include such nefarious items as “never being there,” “drinking everything in the house including all the aftershave,” and “being a cold, cold robot of a man with a stone

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1088177632603118722004-06-25T11:33:00.000-04:002004-06-25T11:33:52.603-04:00

Interesting Does anyone else find it odd that both my happiest memory and my deepest, darkest secret start with “Once, when I was out of underwear...”?

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1087420075990784842004-06-16T17:03:00.000-04:002004-06-16T17:07:55.990-04:00

Relationships I just read this post over at Jez’s blog, and it got me thinking about Red and I. Red and I have lived together for a year and a half, and I would have trouble calling a place home if she weren't in it. But it wasn't always that way. At first, we lived in a smaller place and neither of us ever had our own space. In fact, the place we lived in was so small, that when you

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1086819102608714282004-06-09T18:08:00.000-04:002004-06-09T18:11:42.606-04:00

In Lieu of an Actual Post Taking crazy to a whole new level!

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1086710503107688292004-06-08T12:00:00.000-04:002004-06-08T12:01:43.106-04:00

Make Me Stop! She said she wanted a mink, so I bought her a mink. She said she wanted a silver fox, so I bought her a silver fox. She said she wanted a beaver, so I bought her a beaver. It was ridiculous: the house was full of animals. She wanted a silver fox, I wanted a new car. We compromised. We bought the fur, but we keep it in the garage. Red and I are going to have a great marriage.

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1086356292485117992004-06-04T09:35:00.000-04:002004-06-04T09:38:12.486-04:00

Changing Tastes When I was 3 I wanted to Marry a girl just like my mom. When I was 12 I wanted a girl that liked snakes and mud. When I was 18 I wanted a virgin princess. Now, I want an alcoholic with no gag reflex.

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1086054171575067842004-05-31T21:42:00.000-04:002004-05-31T21:42:51.576-04:00

Yorkie I was the last one on the plane. They were already closing the fuselage door and had announced boarding for the next flight as I ran up. I embarked and found my seat as the plane taxied toward the runway. After stowing my briefcase, I looked around the craft. It was a typical commuter flight: half-full, people spread around to even out the weight. I was sitting across the aisle from

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1085668977773506862004-05-27T10:27:00.000-04:002004-05-27T10:42:57.773-04:00

Spring Cleaning The time has come to get my ass in gear. I'll never be a world famous internet personality if I don't do several things: 1. Post more regularly. 2. Restart my campaign of oral sex in exchange for links on other sites. 3. Fill my text with buzz words like HOT LESBIAN SEX, BRITNEY SPEARS, FREE PICS, PORN, and AUTOEROTICASPHYXIATION that are sure to get me hits on Google. 4.

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1085082528888582852004-05-20T15:44:00.000-04:002004-05-20T15:48:48.890-04:00

Go KOTWF! It's Your Birthday! No, really. It is my birthday. I'm not posting today because I feel dilapidated and geriatric. I'll tell you all about my trip to Paducah tomorrow. If my old bones live until morning.

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1084750338577495002004-05-16T19:31:00.000-04:002004-05-16T19:32:18.576-04:00

I Just Heard A New One Why does Michael Jackson like Twenty-Eight Year Olds? Because there are twenty of them.

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1084545916705243802004-05-14T10:38:00.000-04:002004-05-14T10:45:16.706-04:00

Revelation So I’ve decided something: Harry Potter is a pussy. The reason I say this is that his big arch-nemesis, Voldemort, is a total pussy. But Voldemort almost wins every time. I’d like to see Harry Potter versus Saruman. The little bastard would be a blood spot in seconds.

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1083958862296094222004-05-07T15:41:00.000-04:002004-05-07T15:45:23.280-04:00

Sunshine The light glistens, amicably, off of the water. I look at it through the pink hues of my fourth rumrunner, then get bored with light and start looking at bikinis again. The faint, salty smell of sea air mixes with the aromas coming from my Romeo Y Julieta cigar and takes me back to easier days when I didn’t bare the weight of the world on my narrow shoulders. A seagull calls in the

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1083774382465291162004-05-05T12:26:00.000-04:002004-05-05T12:30:46.373-04:00

What the Hell Happened to Me? When I moved back here from Chicago, I lived alone, in a one-room cabin, in the woods, next to a fish pond that was home to bass, bluegills, geese, and ducks, without air conditioning, TV, internet, or telephone. I would lie awake at night, listening to the cicadas in the trees, the packs of wolves being slaughtered by nomadic tribes of Neanderthal, and the banjo

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1083331427584958212004-04-30T09:23:00.000-04:002004-04-30T09:27:59.043-04:00

You Must Remember This… Father time, that bastard, has got me by the balls. I blink, and another year has passed. With every breath I move that much closer to a shallow grave filled with scary clowns and the ghosts of all the Chinese whores I’ve killed. In fact, time goes by so quickly, that I didn’t notice when I passed the 1 year of blogging mark. I started KOTWF April 10, 2003. The

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1083248318410084502004-04-29T10:18:00.000-04:002004-04-29T10:22:48.750-04:00

Noose There are few constants in life. The world flows around us, beating us down in a maelstrom of change. Every time you think you understand life, it jumps up and hits you on the head like a wooden mallet or a cartoon piano. In my quarter century, I’ve been through a lot, and I’ve seen plenty. Hell! I’ve been to two county fairs and a hog-fuck, and nothing prepared me for this. Red is

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1082731746496976142004-04-23T10:49:00.000-04:002004-04-23T10:53:08.606-04:00

Welcome Back to the Wild World of Sports! A lot has happened during the break so we’ll fill you in. Firstly, as you may or may not realize, one of the primary reasons for the break was technical difficulties. You see, I’m what you call a computer wizard. And no, I don’t mean that I am an expert by any stretch. What I mean is that if there is something wrong with a computer, I resort to

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1079540380487085652004-03-17T11:19:00.000-05:002004-03-17T11:22:56.123-05:00

And This Here’s What We Call A Necktie I had to go to Charleston, West-By-God-Virginia the other day for work. I had a couple of good meetings, and a nice dinner at Laury’s, an old train station that is now a five star restaurant. On the way home, my boss decided to stop at a little bar he likes in the hills of Ripley, West Virginia. This place was great. It is an old barn/garage that has

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1078891128661378552004-03-09T22:58:00.000-05:002004-03-09T23:01:51.733-05:00

Some People Get All The Breaks I came home yesterday, and there was a strange truck parked in my driveway. This wouldn't be a big deal, except that there is only room for one vehicle in my driveway, and this truck was taking it. I decided that, instead of parking on the street, I would block in the offending four-wheeler. That way, when s/he wanted to get out, s/he would have to come and ask

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1076683281537446032004-02-13T09:41:00.000-05:002004-02-13T09:43:51.200-05:00

Experiment I never really got into these rambling weblog entries that are so popular with the kids these days. You know, the ones where they write about the cute thing their fucking dog did last night, then follow that up with a pseudo-witty comment about the size of their floppy or something, and end with an acronym like LOL or ROFLMAO or maybe GBFFOAFITCOD. So I thought I’d try it. Here’s

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1074614986766776272004-01-20T11:09:00.000-05:002004-01-20T11:11:44.983-05:00

These Things Have To Start Somewhere The other day I was in a conversation with some people. The conversation turned to matters of recreational pharmaceuticals, and before I knew what I was saying, I had referred to marijuana as "Mexican Catnip." I personally had never hear this phrase before, and neither had anyone else that I was talking to, but I think that it is pretty good. So here's the

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1073929282311529532004-01-12T12:41:00.000-05:002004-01-12T12:57:39.640-05:00

Professional My landlord, God bless his kooky little soul, has decided to start a newsletter which he will send to all of his tenants whenever an issue comes up that he feels the need to mention. This would be fine, if it weren't for the fact that he's...well...just read this excerpt, complete with all the grammatical errors and typos: If you don't have a dog this isn't for you. Now don't get

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1073058516081889652004-01-02T10:48:00.000-05:002004-01-02T10:50:10.000-05:00

Why Doesn't Anyone Ever Play With Me? At my mother's annual Christmas Eve party, everyone always ends up wanting to play Christmas Charades. This usually involves my friend Steve sitting down and coming up with some Christmas Categories, then writing down a bunch of Holiday answers. These get put in a hat and pulled out by the players as they take their turns. This year, I got to write the

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1072801067146205352003-12-30T11:17:00.000-05:002003-12-30T11:19:17.593-05:00

A Merry Messy Christmas! They say you can have too much of a good thing. I personally never understood that. I say “Everything in Excess! Moderation is for Monks!” How can there be such a thing as too much scotch? What about garlic? Who could ever honestly say that you can have too much garlic? I guess the girl I took to senior prom could…and Lestat…but besides them…. Anyway, this

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1071522869097134172003-12-15T16:14:00.000-05:002003-12-15T16:15:40.090-05:00

That's Not So Bad Well, so far she has only found a problem with everything I've ever done. And I thought this audit would suck. At least she brought lube...

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1071066996059515562003-12-10T09:36:00.000-05:002003-12-10T09:37:39.950-05:00

Did I Mention That I'm Fucked? Red's been out-of-commission with a particularly nasty case of the flu, so I've had plenty of time for introspection. While she lay on the couch moaning, drinking nasty-red-menthol-smelling-ass-tasting-heart-stopping-ball-crushing-flu-medicine-shit and watching 17 back-to-back episodes of Law and Order: The Early Years, I was staring at the wall in my office,

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1070553339329497072003-12-04T10:55:00.000-05:002003-12-04T10:56:35.030-05:00

The Service Sucks, But the Floor Show is Great! “I know John Bobbit!” This was how she introduced herself to me, as she stumbled from her place at the bar, lurching unsteadily toward my inner thigh. “What?” I said. “You know! John Bobbit. The Dick-Cut-Off-Guy.” “Yes,” I said, “I know who John Wayne Bobbit is.” “I don’t just know who he is, I know him!” she replied as her hand came to

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1069778532897126852003-11-25T11:42:00.000-05:002003-11-25T11:42:56.950-05:00

Where Do I Come Up With This Shit? Some guys at work were talking about a new Riding Mower that someone bought. As I walked by, I heard one guy say, "He Paid $8,000 for that thing." Another guy said, "Shit! How big is it? Does it have a bunch of attachments and extras and stuff?" That's when I walked by and said, "If it doesn't make you a fucking cup of coffee and jerk you off, it ain't

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1069702721848970462003-11-24T14:38:00.000-05:002003-11-24T14:39:23.780-05:00

So Where've I Been Lately? From the local Argus: Local Man Sentenced in Bizarre Trial Ohio: Trent Elliott, otherwise known as the "Flanders Pigeon Murderer," "KOTWF," and "Oh God Here He Comes," was found guilty today on charges of public lewdness, attempted suicide by scotch consumption, wantonly performing "Johnny B. Goode" and "Zuit Suit Riot" at shady karaoke bars, and endangering

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1068728129977536652003-11-13T07:55:00.000-05:002003-11-13T07:55:56.920-05:00

Where Did That Come From? Last night, I dreamed that I was on another planet, and I was learning about the alien race that lived there. I learned about their society, their way of life, and their physical and mental capabilities. All of this was run of the mill alien stuff. Then I started to study their religion. They were polytheistic, with a different god for everything. They had gods

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1067665666443380442003-11-01T00:47:00.000-05:002003-11-01T00:47:57.576-05:00

I'm Still Not Funny I was in Chicago's Midway Airport this week, on my way home from Saint Louis, and as I was walking through the terminal, I saw something that I just had to mention to my traveling companion. "Look!" I said, "A nun! In an airport! Do you know what that makes her?" He didn't even laugh.... Anyway, I saw some cool shit in Saint Louis (believe me, this is a feat. There

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1067141376824932792003-10-26T00:09:00.000-04:002003-10-26T00:09:40.340-04:00

Victorious! Red and I just got back from a costume party. She and I won the "Most Original" category. Neither of us had a costume that was very original on it's own, but together we were great. You see, Red went as the tiger, and I was Roy...

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1067008297783246012003-10-24T11:11:00.000-04:002003-10-24T11:11:42.513-04:00

Poetry This morning, I actually had to scrape the ice off of my car windows. In honor of the coming onslaught of winter, I'm posting a poem I wrote for Red last December, a few weeks before she moved in with me. Snow Dream I wake up in the morning, To a blanched landscape of crystalline shards, To a dreamscape of frozen wonder. The trees bear their burden, groaning with the added weight, As I

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1066765778308479402003-10-21T15:49:00.000-04:002003-10-21T15:49:37.773-04:00

M I A Sorry I've been a little out of touch lately. I've been having a few minor problems. You see, it all started with my spleen. I've been drinking a lot lately, and I was beginning to feel bad for my liver. Trooper that he is, he never complained once, but nonetheless I felt like maybe it was time for some of those worthless vestigial organs to take up the slack. Because I had my

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1066148052299746252003-10-14T12:14:00.000-04:002003-10-14T12:14:12.350-04:00

Wedding Day Saturday was a turning point in my life. I woke up, threw down a few cocktails, and put on a tux. I then stood in front of many friends and family members as a beautiful woman dressed all in white walked down the aisle towards me. I stood there silently, sweating, as she said her vows. I smiled at her, then my friend said his vows and we all went to the reception. The groom’s

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1065714856088150412003-10-09T11:54:00.000-04:002003-10-09T11:57:58.900-04:00

My Dog Is Dead! You know that scene in The Man Who Knew Too Little where Bill Murray is trying to figure out how actors can make themselves cry on cue? And he says “What do you do? Do you poke yourself in the eye like this? Or do you think something really sad like ‘My dog is dead!’?” Then he proceeds to poke himself in the eye repeatedly and scream “My dog is dead!” over and over and over

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1065536904798137602003-10-07T10:28:00.000-04:002003-10-07T10:28:28.550-04:00

Don’t You Hate That You know, when you have a great dream in which you see something, or experience something, or go somewhere, and you think, “Damn that’s cool!” Then, when you wake up in the middle of the night you realize that whatever you dreamed about doesn’t exist, but it is so cool that you think, “Hey! If I build it, then it will exist and it would be so cool that I know it would

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1065213059598105172003-10-03T16:30:00.000-04:002003-10-03T16:30:59.316-04:00

Hell Week A haiku about my week: Customer Complaints For five days now without pause Dirty Martini

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1065039744454713542003-10-01T16:17:00.000-04:002003-10-01T16:22:24.316-04:00

A Bona-Fide Film Review! My friend John came over to visit Red and I the other night. He walked into the apartment, sidled up to the bar, and quickly poured himself a tall scotch, which he downed. As he poured another, he said, “Help yourself. You’re going to need a drink.” I found this odd, as it is my bar, but John is not one to question when he is visibly shaken, so I simply muttered, “

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1064950836960168312003-09-30T15:28:00.000-04:002003-10-01T10:04:03.283-04:00

You Know That Feeling? The one where you feel like you have no control over anything? Yeah, that one. I'm like that all the time. Yet another day at work where I don't get anything I need to do done, and instead I spend my entire day trying to fix other people's fuck-ups. At least I had a couple of minutes to have lunch with Oarah, who just started a blog. Check it out. It's bloggy. Now

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1064869656372858122003-09-29T17:00:00.000-04:002003-09-29T17:07:36.430-04:00

So Where Have I Been? Truth be told, gentle reader, I have spent the last week on a faith journey. I have traveled the inner recesses of my soul in an attempt to discover the TRUTH. I stand before you today a changed man. No longer am I an infamous (note the dripping sarcasm on that word), agnostic internet personality, I am now a man of God. These websites will help you understand my new

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1064802284025147782003-09-28T22:22:00.000-04:002003-09-28T22:24:43.876-04:00

I've Been A Bad Boy But the warden says he'll let me have a whole hour of internet access tomorrow! See you then.

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1063978749489648952003-09-19T09:27:00.000-04:002003-09-19T09:47:39.543-04:00

Oldie But Goody In honor of Talk Like A Pirate Day, I give you the best pirate joke, ever: I was sitting in a bar last night, drinking my Captain Morgan on the rocks, when an old man walked in. Well, walked is a bad description. He more like hobbled in. He sat down and I began to look him over. His hobble was caused by the fact that his right leg was in fact made out of a wooden peg. He

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1063734382758945032003-09-16T13:38:00.000-04:002003-09-16T13:46:22.483-04:00

I'm Still Really Broken Up I still can't believe he's really gone*. His music has touched so many for so long, that, when he passed away, I wasn't sure what I was going to do. Then I found it. The Wesley Willis Song Generator (Scroll to the bottom). Now his powerful music and lyrics can live on even though he's dead. Here's a little song he wrote posthumously for me. KOTWF by Wesley

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1063373854521593892003-09-12T09:31:00.000-04:002003-09-12T09:37:34.536-04:00

Mourning Can't believe the news today. I could close my eyes and make it go away. Johnny Cash, Dead at 71. John Ritter, Dead at 54. They will be missed. Would it be in bad taste to play "Ring of Fire" at the memorial service?

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1063315167340395552003-09-11T17:11:00.000-04:002003-09-11T17:20:23.936-04:00

Math Sux I spent all day today tracking down 1 (one) little mathematically glitch in an Excel spreadsheet. Well actually, it was one (1) little mathematically glitch in 4 (four) Excel spreadsheets. And each spreadsheet contains approximately (carry the two(2)) 8000 (eight-thousand) individual pieces of information for a whopping total of 32,000 (thirty-two-thousand) pieces of data that had to

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1063226572957206402003-09-10T16:00:00.000-04:002003-09-10T16:42:52.836-04:00

My Boss I share an office with my boss. My boss is a 64 year old man whose mind climbed on a bus back in 1967 and only occasionally sends postcards with witty phrases on them like "The Weather is Here, Wish You Were Beautiful" and "Having a Great Time in Amsterdam. Signed, Your Brain on Drugs." My boss thinks that I am the best thing since sliced bread, but also thinks that sliced bread was

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-106313628184803302003-09-09T15:38:00.000-04:002003-09-09T15:39:26.266-04:00

An Email Conversation With a Concerned Elitist From: A Friend To: KOTWF Sent: Monday, September 08, 2003 3:47 PM Subject: Fucking Coworkers People are just a bunch of freaks. I swear 80% of the population should be shipped out of this country. Starting with the idiots I work with. From: KOTWF To: A Friend Sent: Monday, September 08, 2003 3:56 PM Subject: Re: Fucking Coworkers I couldn't

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1063054236546713422003-09-08T16:50:00.000-04:002003-09-08T16:51:12.813-04:00

Pea Impersonators Revealed From the Spit-In-The-Bucket, Tennessee Post The world of axioms was dealt a near fatal blow Monday when Jebediah Smith, a local farmer, began harvesting his crop. “I thought something was awful funny when I noticed that there pea plant was being pulled all the way down to the dirt. I picked the pod and had to get my boy Jeremiah and my girl Jemima to come help me

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1062791783765487162003-09-05T15:56:00.000-04:002003-09-05T15:56:23.620-04:00

Finally Got Off My Ass You may notice a couple new links over on the sidebar. Something Awful and Nature's Milk. These are both sites that I have been enjoying regularly for some time now, but I've been too lazy to make the change to my template. Punctuality ain't my strong suit.

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1062769724419658552003-09-05T09:48:00.000-04:002003-09-05T09:48:44.323-04:00

What Am I Supposed to Fantasize About Now? When asked if her clean Mouseketeers image had been changed by the kiss Spears told CNN, “I think I’m still clean living. I mean I don’t go home and have orgies or anything like that.” Thanks for the link, Frank. By the way, the picture accompanying the article is a GREAT stillshot.

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1062531087360344002003-09-02T15:31:00.000-04:002003-09-02T15:32:09.573-04:00

Call an Exorcist! It was my friend John's bachelor party this weekend. We did typical bachelor party stuff, you know, steak, beer, whiskey, naked girls pressing their gyrating hips in your general direction as you try to keep your eyes, mouth, and cocktail out of crab-jumping-range. In any event, we finally found ourselves sobering up at a 24 hour greasy spoon called the Mountaineer Family

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1062169365203074772003-08-29T11:02:00.000-04:002003-08-29T11:02:45.173-04:00

Dirty Limerick Time!!! A County Cork Barmaid, it’s true, Was fond of selling her brew, But along with the ale, She sold her wee tail, And was known as the County Cork Screw. Pierre is a horny young guy, For he stands but two feet high, With lust he’s berserk, ‘Cause when he walks to work, He looks up as women walk by. In the Style of Rudyard Kipling: Young Mowgli came in from the heat, “Baloo

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1062163398409427712003-08-29T09:23:00.000-04:002003-08-29T09:23:18.390-04:00

Idea for a New Porn Movie I came up with a great title for a porn movie today: The Sorcerer's Appendage. But, when I google searched it to find out if it was indeed original, I came across something even more disturbing: Harriet Hotter and the Sorcerer's Bone

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1062011010806563022003-08-27T15:03:00.000-04:002003-08-27T16:10:14.663-04:00

I Can't Make This Shit Up I went to lunch with Arlos today. We were sitting having the same conversation that we always have (Work, Paintball, Red, Internet Porn) when what to my wondering eye's should appear but this young lady, drinking a beer. (Don't Click Link If At Work!!!!) If I'm involved, she's going to need a wide-angle webcam.

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1061920493569642102003-08-26T13:54:00.000-04:002003-08-26T13:54:53.420-04:00

Mourning This is truly a sad day. Wesley Willis has died. I personally have been listening to "I Whooped Batman's Ass" all morning. I think you all should do the same.

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1061906265105583982003-08-26T09:57:00.000-04:002003-08-26T09:57:44.950-04:00

Tattoos While I was in New Orleans, I bumped into Harry Anderson at his magic shop in the Quarter. I ended up talking to him for about a half hour. One thing I noticed was that he had a tattoo of Jack the Pumpkin King from Nightmare Before Christmas on his left forearm. The following conversation ensued: Me: This is a neat place. Harry: Thank you. Me: Wow, that's a great portrait of you

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1061827152629105552003-08-25T11:59:00.000-04:002003-08-25T11:59:12.410-04:00

Survival of the Drunkest Well, I'm at work and it's Monday morning. I take it that this means I made it back from The Big Easy alive and well. Alive anyway. Right now I'm catching up my work and overcoming my hangover while I think back on my recent Crescent City bender and try to remember what the hell I did and why I now have a reverse mohawk and a tattoo on my forehead that says "Doug." I

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1061473471153673422003-08-21T09:44:00.000-04:002003-08-21T09:44:31.053-04:00

Guilt I just couldn't skip town and leave you all high and dry, so I decided to come up with an activity! Fishfucker needs your help. Go read this post to figure out what the issue is, then write your letters. See you all next week. Until then, I'll be drunk on love (provided, of course, that love is a new brand of whisky).

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1061428155715946282003-08-20T21:09:00.000-04:002003-08-20T21:09:15.733-04:00

This Just In!!! Apparently, I'm not posting this week. I'll post next week to let my tens of readers know how much fun I had without them in New Orleans.

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1061219547863469872003-08-18T11:12:00.000-04:002003-08-18T11:12:27.933-04:00

A Sordid Affair Last Thursday night, I came home to a stranger. Sitting at the kitchen table, drinking my gin, was the most beautiful redhead I've ever seen. She was about 5'5", with curves in places where most girls don't even have places. She looked vaguely familiar, but I couldn't really get past the lowcut dress and my good luck. "Hello," I said. "Hello," she responded, then stood up

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1060893573111712272003-08-14T16:39:00.000-04:002003-08-14T16:44:28.716-04:00

Tragedy Has Struck!! I learned today that Penthouse Magazine has filed for chapter 11 bankruptcy. They have promised to continue publishing this magnficent mag during their restructuring, but I'd like to do a little something to help them along. That being said, I am holding a contest* to see who can come up with the best advertising slogan to help Penthouse get back on their back, so to speak

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1060280217361648622003-08-07T14:16:00.000-04:002003-08-07T14:16:57.336-04:00

Complaint Department Dear Sir, I visited your so-called “club” last evening, and, after much deliberation, I wish to register a complaint. I have several issues which I feel must be addressed immediately, as if they are not corrected, I can assure you that I will never patronize your establishment again. Rest assured that I am a level-headed, average bloke, and that my views are likely to be

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1060210696902114902003-08-06T18:58:00.000-04:002003-08-06T18:58:16.726-04:00

Public Service Part II Once again risking life and limb to help you, the little people, The KOTWF has borrowed the following list of aphrodisiac foods from GourmetSleuth.com. I ask that you use this information only for good, never for evil. Aniseed A very popular aphrodisiac with many culinary uses. It has been used as an aphrodisiac since the Greeks and the Romans, who believed aniseed had

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1060118394036366902003-08-05T17:19:00.000-04:002003-08-05T17:19:53.983-04:00

Public Service As you may or may not know, the KOTWF is taken. But have no fear, I haven't let my mad skills with the ladies fall into disrepair. Quite the opposite, in fact. I follow a strict daily regiment of exercising my flirtation and romance muscles. And, out of pure charity and goodwill, and court ordered community service, I have decided to offer my help to the less fortunate out

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1060025810851668262003-08-04T15:36:00.000-04:002003-08-04T15:36:50.830-04:00

How To Not Pick Up Chicks I was out with my friend Bill, and he was amazed at my ability to talk to any girl in the club. After he had pestered me enough about my skills with the ladies, I finally decided to let him in on the secret. "Well," I said, "I use a little wordplay to figure out if they are going to be receptive. I walk up to a girl and say 'Can I tickle your ass with a feather?' If

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1059767135307263832003-08-01T15:45:00.000-04:002003-08-01T15:51:56.550-04:00

Fan Mail! The KOTWF receives a fan letter from a reader who shall remain nameless, unless, of course, she doesn't want to. Or something. ----- Original Message ----- From: One of Your 3 Readers To: KOTWF Sent: Thursday, July 31, 2003 12:46 PM Subject: A Dios Mio! Dear Sir, Your website is wonderful, wicked and scary in ways I dare not express. Please continue to "keep on, keepin' on" for

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1059666154841108212003-07-31T11:42:00.000-04:002003-07-31T11:42:34.706-04:00

Only a Fool Breaks the Kotwf Funky Cory had a link to this great site. It's an advertising slogan generator. Now I'm not going to get anything done today... My Kotwf to Yours.

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1059600279613124752003-07-30T17:24:00.000-04:002003-07-30T17:24:39.540-04:00

Repeat After Me My car horn is not a whip. My car horn is not a paddle. Honking it obnoxiously does not punish people who do things that I don't like. In fact, it usually makes them wish that they had done something worse.

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1059492688510999522003-07-29T11:31:00.000-04:002003-07-29T11:31:28.443-04:00

Family Pride I attended my brother's first ever movie premier this weekend. And let me tell you what, it was great. Before you start saying things like "KOTWF, if your family is in with Hollywood, can you get me a gig," or "Take me now, I need to be filled with your celebrity manhood" I'd just like to mention that he was an extra, but that's not the point. The point is, I sat in a movie

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5267652.post-1059425859862552872003-07-28T16:57:00.000-04:002003-07-28T16:57:39.840-04:00

I Mourn Your Passing* Mankind has suffered a great loss. Last night, Bob Hope passed away at the tender young age of 100. I'm sure that we can all remember a "Bob Hope Moment" where he touched our lives in a very real, very permanent way. I'd like to take this opportunity to share a few of my favourites: The Scene in Some Like it Hot where he says all those funny lines. God I'll miss him.

KOTWFnoreply@blogger.com0