What the Hell Happened to Me?

When I moved back here from Chicago, I lived alone, in a one-room cabin, in the woods, next to a fish pond that was home to bass, bluegills, geese, and ducks, without air conditioning, TV, internet, or telephone. I would lie awake at night, listening to the cicadas in the trees, the packs of wolves being slaughtered by nomadic tribes of Neanderthal, and the banjo tunes of the hill people. Often I would sit on my porch, martini in hand, and do nothing but…well…and do nothing.

Now that has all changed.

Now I live with my beautiful fiancee, two cats, an aquarium full of fishes ( most of which I can’t identify, and only one of which is named. He’s a bottom feeder, named after a former business associate ), a phone line with caller ID, call waiting and automatic redial, a cable internet which randomly throws scat-porn onto my screen, and a babble-box that sits in the corner loudly broadcasting 500 channels to distract me while it eats my everlasting soul, much like the parrot that says cute things while pecking at Prometheus’ liver.

Here’s the problem. I like TEE-VEE as much as the next guy, but why on Earth do I need five hundred channels if all that is going to do is give me 450 extra channels with nothing on? I was perfectly happy being irritated that I had 50 channels of absolute crap.

For your reading pleasure, here is a listing of the type of fecal detritus my tele spews out daily:

Charlie’s Angels: Full Throttle
My God! The only thing that made this movie worth watching was the thought that, with how bad this film is, maybe they won’t make another.

Law & Order
Don’t get me wrong. I like Law & Order. I think it is well-written, well-directed, well-edited, and well-acted. It is also on at least 97 channels at any given time.

Law & Order: Criminal intent
Another 23 channels.

Law & Order: SVU
Yes! All the excitement and macabre humor of the other two PLUS violent rape! This takes up another 30 channels to bring the Law & Order franchise up to an even 150 channels, 24/7.

Oh yeah, speaking of 24/7, Twenty-Four
Just how much shit can happen to the leader of the Lost Boys in one day?

Lost Boys
This movie did a great job of reminding me why the eighties are over (I mean, besides the relentless onslaught of time). Great closing line though, where you think that Grandpa is flipping out because he comes home to find a vampire in his house, and he says “One thing I never could stomach about living in Santa Carla: All the God-Damn vampires.” Oh, eighties flicks, you are sooooo clever!

Friends: 2 Hour Season Finale
Wow! It’s actually ending. I mean, I’m sad because this will mean that there is now even less stuff on Tee-Vee, but, well, two fucking hours? How can they make this last two hours? Ross, you’d better follow Rachel to Paris! Chandler, you and Monica better move to the ‘burbs where you will hang with a young Tom Hanks and raise that Hill-Jack Ohio baby! Joey, you’d better say “how you doin’?” and fuck someone! Phoebe, you’d better be dumb! There, shows over! Leave your keys in the ashtray on the way to your two hour special with Matt Lauer and Katie Couric. Matt The White, go freshen up. You have to be ready to eat sandwiches and use women in new and exciting ways next season in your new show.

I guess that’s a bit overly mean. I suppose that I’m really just upset about the whole situation. Now that Friends is ending, I’ll never get to see that monstrous, 2 hour, Friends: SVU crossover I’ve been dreaming of.

Later, guys, I’m gonna go see what’s on TV.