Friday, February 13, 2004


I never really got into these rambling weblog entries that are so popular with the kids these days. You know, the ones where they write about the cute thing their fucking dog did last night, then follow that up with a pseudo-witty comment about the size of their floppy or something, and end with an acronym like LOL or ROFLMAO or maybe GBFFOAFITCOD.

So I thought I’d try it. Here’s my life for the last month:

Phoenix Cat
I have two cats. The elder of the two is The Right Honourable Sir Charles L. Rampant, Esquire (Charlie). The Kitten is Bunbury Wilde (Bunny). Charlie recently started spraying and had to be neutered, but that is not funny to anyone but Bunny, so we’ll not talk about it anymore. Bunny, however, is hilarious, mostly because I’ve never owned a retarded cat. Some of the things that attest to his retardation are that he breaths through his mouth, not his nose, he has serious inner ear problems so that he is constantly falling off of things or over stuff, and I have personally seen him run full-boor into objects like doors, walls, and other cats. Additionally, he likes to climb into the bathtub with Red and play with the bubbles (he has also fallen into the toilet and had to be pulled out and washed several times). But the thing that really cinches the deal is his uncanny ability to light himself on fire.

On numerous occasions, I’ve watched as a streak of orange flame barreled around the apartment. Each time, he has managed to put himself out without sustaining or causing any serious damage, but each time it happens I think that perhaps he has learned to not rub up against lit candles, and each time I am proved wrong.

Bankruptcy, Inc.
It seems like in order to be a customer of the company I work for, you have to file for bankruptcy protection at some point and cost us a shitload of money. Of course, we carefully screen all of our customers before we begin work for them, so I am not sure how this happens. I suspect that the screening process goes something like this:

US: I just need to ask you a few questions about your company, sir.
THEM: Okay, just let me finish burying my ex-wife and her lover.
US: Take your time….So, you like killing people, huh?
THEM: Almost as much as I like not paying people for work they’ve done.
US: Good, good.
THEM: Ready.
US: Okay. Tell me about your financial situation.
THEM: Well, once I sell this watch I took off the dead guy, I’ll have $100.
US: Good. So, we’ll put you down for $1,000,000 of credit, okay? Now, could I have the names of some other businesses you’ve worked with?
THEM: I did a deal with a guy named Beelzebub last week. Or was it Lucifer?
US: Doesn’t matter, we never actually call them anyway. Now then, would you be willing to accept 30 day payment terms?
US: Sixty then?
THEM: I was thinking more like “Ragnorak” or “Just after the last trump.”
US: I’ll write down “A Cold Day In Hell” for payment terms, okay?
THEM: Fine by me.
US: Well, I have to admit that I’m not sure if this will work out.
THEM: If you take me as a customer, then I’ll send a hooters calendar every Christmas.
US: Deal.

Needless to say, we’ve written off several million in bad debt over the last few years.

The House
Moving Day is upon us. The Rats are crawling out from beneath the rosebush with their winches and pulleys, and Dom Deloise is flapping about, tangled in yarn, shouting something about a “shiny.” Soon I will be leaving my squalid apartment forever and entering my nice new house. Here are my reasons for leaving:

Current apartment has no insulation, heating bills are atrocious.
Downstairs neighbors like doing construction projects at 1:00am.
Landlord lets himself in whenever he wants to fix things I don’t want fixed.
Landlord never got around to installing little things like fire escapes.
Landlord scares me.
Absolutely no storage-space in the entire apartment.
No washer and dryer.
Rent is so expensive that I am moving out of an apartment into a three bedroom house and saving money.
Red wants to.

Well, that about sums up my major life changes for now. I’ll try to keep you posted on my goings-on from here on out, but it might be kind of sparse. After I get laid off today I have to go to my new house and put out my cat. GBFFOAFITCOD.