Friday, April 30, 2004

You Must Remember This…

Father time, that bastard, has got me by the balls. I blink, and another year has passed. With every breath I move that much closer to a shallow grave filled with scary clowns and the ghosts of all the Chinese whores I’ve killed.

In fact, time goes by so quickly, that I didn’t notice when I passed the 1 year of blogging mark. I started KOTWF April 10, 2003.

The next year will be filled with even more Bloggy Goodness.

Thursday, April 29, 2004


There are few constants in life. The world flows around us, beating us down in a maelstrom of change. Every time you think you understand life, it jumps up and hits you on the head like a wooden mallet or a cartoon piano. In my quarter century, I’ve been through a lot, and I’ve seen plenty. Hell! I’ve been to two county fairs and a hog-fuck, and nothing prepared me for this.

Red is no longer my girlfriend.

You see, a couple weeks ago, we were all lined up to go out. We were heading to a dirty, nasty, standing-room-only college bar that serves up almost as many horny drunk chicks as it does pitchers of beer, and Red decided to change her clothes no less than 5 times before we left while I lay on the floor, fucking around with my new piano.

She was finally ready, and I got up on my knees when she walked into the room.

KOTWF: Is that what you’re wearing out?
Red: What?
KOTWF: You heard me.
Red: Why?
KOTWF: You don’t look right.
Red: What is that supposed to mean?
KOTWF: Your outfit doesn’t look right. It’s missing something.
Red: (Angrily) Like what?
KOTWF: (Holding up diamond ring) Like this….
Red: OH MY GOD!!
KOTWF: Will you marry me?
Red: OH MY GOD!!
KOTWF: Will you marry me?
Red: OH MY GOD!!
KOTWF: Nevermind.
Red: Yes! Yes! I thought you would never ask.
KOTWF: And I thought you would never answer.

Being the sweet, loving Fiance that I am, I still took her out. And I bought her as many pitchers of Killian’s as she could drink.

Friday, April 23, 2004

Welcome Back to the Wild World of Sports!

A lot has happened during the break so we’ll fill you in.

Firstly, as you may or may not realize, one of the primary reasons for the break was technical difficulties. You see, I’m what you call a computer wizard. And no, I don’t mean that I am an expert by any stretch. What I mean is that if there is something wrong with a computer, I resort to unplugging and replugging the fucking thing while performing ancient resurrection rites and praying that either magic will fire out of my fingertips and heal it, or lightning will shoot out of my ass and fry the fucking thing beyond all recognition.

Neither has occurred. Instead, I stand before you a broken, beaten man, with a very expensive, portable DVD player that used to act like a laptop. I even had Oarah, gentleman blogger and computer guru (kind of like a wizard, but more knowledgeable, less reliant on magic, and calmer), come look at the thing. He drank all my rum and announced that there was nothing wrong with it. It just doesn’t work.


No problem, I’ll just do my posts from work, right? Guess again, our blessed lady of maternity leave. The girl downstairs, for whom I am the backup, decided that she should shit out her beautiful new baby about a month ahead of schedule. Luckily, we had just hired her replacement.

About an hour before she went into labor.

So, needless to say, I have been slaving away in front of a computer which operates on some strange amalgam of SAP and one of those superheated pokers used by the Spanish Inquisitors. The premise of the system is this. I sit in a special “SAP Chair” where I am forced to do intricate algorithms in my head, while listening to Replacement Girl ask questions about why I don’t just write a new, more user friendly, system to replace this one, while randomly punching keys and hoping that one of them is the “fix everything I’ve just fucked up” button, and while a red hot poker comes up through the chair and skewers my catflap.

At least some of the time.

You see, I also got a promotion. The current director of marketing is retiring in May. I share an office with him, but I am the quality manager. I found it rather interesting, then, when I happened to see some ad copy that said “KOTWF, Director of Marketing” and had my email address on it.

I must have missed the memo talking about my NEW AND IMPROVED job description, as well as my exorbitant payraise.

I’m sure I would’ve been told if it was important.

Check in soon, I’ll be writing more regularly from now on.

There is more news, but I’m afraid I just don’t have time to tell you right now. I hear the SAP Forge heating up.