Friday, June 25, 2004


Does anyone else find it odd that both my happiest memory and my deepest, darkest secret start with “Once, when I was out of underwear...”?

Wednesday, June 16, 2004


I just read this post over at Jez’s blog, and it got me thinking about Red and I. Red and I have lived together for a year and a half, and I would have trouble calling a place home if she weren't in it.

But it wasn't always that way.

At first, we lived in a smaller place and neither of us ever had our own space. In fact, the place we lived in was so small, that when you closed the front door, the doorknob got in bed with you. And I liked it. It was in those first six months that I realized that living together is TOTALLY different from sleeping over. Even sleeping over every night.

It took quite a while, and two new places, for us to finally get into a good rhythm. A rhythm where we didn’t keep the neighbors awake all night with our yelling. A rhythm where I realized that she’s not just my girlfriend, she’s a person. A rhythm where she realized that I’m a total asshole, and that’s one of the reasons she loves me. A rhythm nation.

We’ve had our ups and downs, our trials and tribulations, our victories and defeats, our hits and misses, our smiles and frowns, our Dean Martins and our Jerry Lewises. Hell, I’ve broken my share of plates, and she’s, well, she’s watched me break my share of plates. And we came through it in the end.

And now she’s wearing a ring that I bought on sale. And we’re getting married in less than four months. And my life is going to be as wonderful as Wonder-Boy wondering if he can carve a statue of Wonder-Woman out of Wonder-Bread.

I guess what I'm saying is that living together has, at different times, been the best and the worst thing to happen to our relationship. I can't blame anyone for not being sure about taking that step, no matter how committed you are to each other.

It’s a big fucking step.

But don't read too much into it if your significant other isn’t sure about sharing an address: Sometimes talking about marriage is easier than sharing a TV remote.

Wednesday, June 09, 2004

In Lieu of an Actual Post

Taking crazy to a whole new level!

Tuesday, June 08, 2004

Make Me Stop!

She said she wanted a mink, so I bought her a mink. She said she wanted a silver fox, so I bought her a silver fox. She said she wanted a beaver, so I bought her a beaver. It was ridiculous: the house was full of animals.

She wanted a silver fox, I wanted a new car. We compromised. We bought the fur, but we keep it in the garage.

Red and I are going to have a great marriage. We laid some ground rules, and we’re sticking to them. For example: “Three nights out with the boys every week.” She wants to go out with the boys more, but I won’t let her.

A friend of mine asked, “KOTWF, should I talk to my wife during sex?” I said, “If there’s a phone handy.”

She didn’t like doing the dishes, so I bought her an electric dishwasher. She didn’t like doing laundry, so I bought her an electric washing machine. She complained that now the house is so full of gadgets there’s no place to I bought her an electric chair.

She has the most beautiful red hair growing halfway down her back. I just wish there were some on her head.

“KOTWF,” she asked, “were there many women before me?” After a pause she said, “Well! I’m still waiting!” I replied, “And I’m still counting.”

As a traveling salesman, I find myself in a lot of strange situations. Once, I broke down on a back country road, and I went to the closest farmhouse to seek accommodations. “Well,” said the farmer, “you’ll have to share a bed with my son.” “Shit,” I replied, “I’m in the wrong joke.”

Take my wife, please!

Friday, June 04, 2004

Changing Tastes

When I was 3 I wanted to Marry a girl just like my mom.

When I was 12 I wanted a girl that liked snakes and mud.

When I was 18 I wanted a virgin princess.

Now, I want an alcoholic with no gag reflex.