Tuesday, November 25, 2003

Where Do I Come Up With This Shit?

Some guys at work were talking about a new Riding Mower that someone bought. As I walked by, I heard one guy say, "He Paid $8,000 for that thing." Another guy said, "Shit! How big is it? Does it have a bunch of attachments and extras and stuff?"

That's when I walked by and said, "If it doesn't make you a fucking cup of coffee and jerk you off, it ain't worth $8,000."

Monday, November 24, 2003

So Where've I Been Lately?

From the local Argus:

Local Man Sentenced in Bizarre Trial

Ohio: Trent Elliott, otherwise known as the "Flanders Pigeon Murderer," "KOTWF," and "Oh God Here He Comes," was found guilty today on charges of public lewdness, attempted suicide by scotch consumption, wantonly performing "Johnny B. Goode" and "Zuit Suit Riot" at shady karaoke bars, and endangering countless innocent marriages through his astounding good looks and charm.

Counsel for Mr. Elliott responded to the trial results: "Well, we fought the good fight, and we tried to get a fair trial for the KOTWF. Things probably would have gone better if we could have restrained him from bringing his hip-flask to the trial. And I don't think his constant winking at the Judge's wife helped. In the end, though, justice won out. I mean, let's face it, the little S.O.B. is guilty as sin!"

We managed to speak with Mr. Elliott for a few moments before the sentencing, and he had this to say: "I gotsa lotsa reasons t'be *$^#*ing &*^$ed off! Who th' %$&# do those #$%holes think I am? It wasn'nt 'tempted sewerside, I kin drink ten times asmuch scotch. Hand me tha' bawdle!"

The sentence that Mr. Elliott now faces is 50 lashes from a supermodel's tongue. When asked for comment on Mr. Elliott's sentence, Warden Claudia Schiffer said this: "Us girls are really excited about being able to bring someone like that to justice. We'll give him exactly what he deserves. In fact, I've already promised to extend his sentence for good behavior."

Ms. Schiffer went on to explain that the sentence would also be extended for naughty behavior, or "if the rumors are true."

Mr. Elliott has received a work release, and will be serving his sentence for two hours per night, over the next 50 nights.

Thursday, November 13, 2003

Where Did That Come From?

Last night, I dreamed that I was on another planet, and I was learning about the alien race that lived there. I learned about their society, their way of life, and their physical and mental capabilities. All of this was run of the mill alien stuff.

Then I started to study their religion.

They were polytheistic, with a different god for everything. They had gods of the harvest, gods of war, gods of fertility, etc. All of these were no different than you'd expect to read in any book of Roman, Greek, or Norse Myths. But they had an "All Father" god. This was the god of gods, and he lived with god of the sun, inside the star that this planet orbited. If they behaved and lived their lives morally, then when they died, the All Father would let them "come on down" to paradise.

The All Father God, living inside their sun, was Rod Roddy.

Saturday, November 01, 2003

I'm Still Not Funny

I was in Chicago's Midway Airport this week, on my way home from Saint Louis, and as I was walking through the terminal, I saw something that I just had to mention to my traveling companion.

"Look!" I said, "A nun! In an airport! Do you know what that makes her?"

He didn't even laugh....

Anyway, I saw some cool shit in Saint Louis (believe me, this is a feat. There is NOTHING in Saint Louis), which I will tell you about later.

Love to the kids,