Friday, August 29, 2003

Dirty Limerick Time!!!

A County Cork Barmaid, it’s true,
Was fond of selling her brew,
But along with the ale,
She sold her wee tail,
And was known as the County Cork Screw.

Pierre is a horny young guy,
For he stands but two feet high,
With lust he’s berserk,
‘Cause when he walks to work,
He looks up as women walk by.

In the Style of Rudyard Kipling:

Young Mowgli came in from the heat,
“Baloo, what does that tiger eat?”
“Antelope and Caribou,
What’s it matter to you?”
“I’m horny and hoped he ate meat.”


The maids said, “We hoped you enjoyed us,
When you deigned that you should exploit us.”
I Said, “When was this?”
They said, with a kiss,
“Five minutes ago, In Coitus.”

In the Style of Edgar Allen Poe:

‘Twas many and many a year ago,
That a maiden lived, and she could blow,
She went down on a cock,
As hard as a rock,
But, hey, rigor mortis, you know?

Let’s hear yours! The official KOTWF limerick competition has begun.
Idea for a New Porn Movie

I came up with a great title for a porn movie today: The Sorcerer's Appendage.

But, when I google searched it to find out if it was indeed original, I came across something even more disturbing:

Harriet Hotter and the Sorcerer's Bone

Wednesday, August 27, 2003

I Can't Make This Shit Up

I went to lunch with Arlos today. We were sitting having the same conversation that we always have (Work, Paintball, Red, Internet Porn) when what to my wondering eye's should appear but this young lady, drinking a beer. (Don't Click Link If At Work!!!!)

If I'm involved, she's going to need a wide-angle webcam.

Tuesday, August 26, 2003


This is truly a sad day. Wesley Willis has died. I personally have been listening to "I Whooped Batman's Ass" all morning. I think you all should do the same.

While I was in New Orleans, I bumped into Harry Anderson at his magic shop in the Quarter. I ended up talking to him for about a half hour. One thing I noticed was that he had a tattoo of Jack the Pumpkin King from Nightmare Before Christmas on his left forearm. The following conversation ensued:

Me: This is a neat place.
Harry: Thank you.
Me: Wow, that's a great portrait of you and Harvey.
Harry: Thanks. I like it. I had it done right after the film came out in 1996.
Me: So, Harry, do you like Nightmare Before Christmas?
Harry: No.

Dead Silence for about twenty seconds.

Harry: I lost a bet with my Godson.
Me: That's a Hell of a bet.
Harry: You're telling me.

Monday, August 25, 2003

Survival of the Drunkest

Well, I'm at work and it's Monday morning. I take it that this means I made it back from The Big Easy alive and well.

Alive anyway.

Right now I'm catching up my work and overcoming my hangover while I think back on my recent Crescent City bender and try to remember what the hell I did and why I now have a reverse mohawk and a tattoo on my forehead that says "Doug."

I promise to tell you all the stories as soon as I get the chance. To get you in the mood, while I go clean the vomit off my shoes, I'd like you to all memorize this list of New Orleans nicknames.

Big Easy, Crescent City, Mardi Gras City, America's Most Interesting City, The City That Care Forgot, Parade City USA, City of the Southern Pride, Super Bowl City, City of Saints and Sinners, Sportsman Paradise, The Spice of Life City, Southern Comfort, City of Mystery, City of the Chefs, America's European Masterpiece, Home of Dixieland Jazz, Gator Town, City of Festivals, America's Favorite City, Saint City, New Orleans: Open all Night, NOLA, Sin City, Queen City of the South, Cradle of Jazz, Birthplace of Jazz.

There will be a test.

Thursday, August 21, 2003


I just couldn't skip town and leave you all high and dry, so I decided to come up with an activity!

Fishfucker needs your help. Go read this post to figure out what the issue is, then write your letters.

See you all next week. Until then, I'll be drunk on love (provided, of course, that love is a new brand of whisky).

Wednesday, August 20, 2003

This Just In!!!

Apparently, I'm not posting this week.

I'll post next week to let my tens of readers know how much fun I had without them in New Orleans.

Monday, August 18, 2003

A Sordid Affair

Last Thursday night, I came home to a stranger. Sitting at the kitchen table, drinking my gin, was the most beautiful redhead I've ever seen. She was about 5'5", with curves in places where most girls don't even have places. She looked vaguely familiar, but I couldn't really get past the lowcut dress and my good luck. "Hello," I said.

"Hello," she responded, then stood up and melted into me. We stumbled to the bedroom and experienced the most impassioned 2 1/2 minutes of our lives. Afterwards, I thanked her and then said "You'd best leave. The Blondage will be home any minute, and I don't know what she'd do if she found you here."

She sat bolt upright in the bed and said, "What?"

"My girlfriend will be home any minute, and she is not very understanding of this sort of thing. She can kill a man at 10 paces with one lash of her tongue! She makes toast by breathing fire on it! Last time I fooled around on her, the other woman accidentally tragically cut off her own head while brushing her hair! You do not want to be here when she gets home."

"Who the fuck do you think I am?" she said. And that's when I realized why she looked so familiar.

"The Blondage" is now "Red," and I'm in trouble for cheating with my own girlfriend. Life is not fair.

Thursday, August 14, 2003

Tragedy Has Struck!!

I learned today that Penthouse Magazine has filed for chapter 11 bankruptcy. They have promised to continue publishing this magnficent mag during their restructuring, but I'd like to do a little something to help them along. That being said, I am holding a contest* to see who can come up with the best advertising slogan to help Penthouse get back on their back, so to speak. Here's my contribution:

"Come one, come all!"

Show me what you've got.

*The kind of contest where, if you win, you get a pat on the back or something.

Thursday, August 07, 2003

Complaint Department

Dear Sir,

I visited your so-called “club” last evening, and, after much deliberation, I wish to register a complaint. I have several issues which I feel must be addressed immediately, as if they are not corrected, I can assure you that I will never patronize your establishment again. Rest assured that I am a level-headed, average bloke, and that my views are likely to be shared by the vast majority of your potential customers. I urge you to take these considerations to heart, if only for the sake of your own survival as a business.

First, I would like to say that, as a “club,” you fall down repeatedly. Never in my life have I paid such an exorbitant cover charge and then been disallowed to dance. Every time I even attempted to step foot on the dance floor, the doorman would approach and instruct me, in no uncertain terms, to sit down. Indeed, even my attempts at dancing while not on the floor were effectively nipped in the bud. I finally had no choice but to sit quietly and imagine myself dancing the electric slide out on the floor while I watched the other dancers.

Second, the word “dancers” is semantically incorrect primarily because it was rare for there to be more than one dancer on the floor at a time, and the only dancing they did involved shaking slightly and rolling around on the floor. And they were always women. Now, I am not suggesting that I mind, because I am completely secure in my heterosexuality, and I had no desire to see any men “getting down” on the floor, but I still can’t help but feel that this is decidedly unfair.

Third, I don’t know that you can call it a dance floor because it was only a few feet wide, it was filled with poles, and it was decidedly not a floor. It was much more like a counter. In fact, as the “dancers” went by, I actually had to pick up my drink and move it so they could “dance.”

Fourth, your dress code is a little bit lax. Most dancers started out barely dressed, and I blush to comment on what they were wearing by the time they were finished dancing. I’m sure that having them attired as they were on the same surface where I rested my drinks was breaking some sort of health code.

Fifth, the shoes that many of the people on the dance floor wore were extremely dangerous. Some of them had heels as long as 8 inches. I feel that this posed a serious tripping hazard.

Sixth, all of the people on the dance floor seemed to think that by dancing in front of me, they were entitled to a portion of my unemployment money. Well, I’ll tell you that unless you improve the attitudes of your clientele, then I can spend my hard-earned unemployment elsewhere.

Finally, I think that your advertising is extremely misleading. I’ll have you know that I find nothing even remotely exotic about sitting at a counter/dance floor watching other people have fun and dance while I drink a $5.00 warm beer.

Disappointedly yours,

Wednesday, August 06, 2003

Public Service Part II

Once again risking life and limb to help you, the little people, The KOTWF has borrowed the following list of aphrodisiac foods from I ask that you use this information only for good, never for evil.

A very popular aphrodisiac with many culinary uses. It has been used as an aphrodisiac since the Greeks and the Romans, who believed aniseed had special powers. Sucking on the seeds is said to increases your desire.

Given it's phallic shape, asparagus is frequently enjoyed as an aphrodisiac food. Feed your lover boiled or steamed spears for a sensuous experience. The Vegetarian Society suggests "eating asparagus for three days for the most powerful affect".

A symbol of fertility throughout the ages. The aroma is thought to induce passion in a female. Try serving Marzipan (almond paste) in the shapes of fruits for a special after-dinner treat.

Arugula or "rocket" seed has been documented as an aphrodisiac since the first century A.D. This ingredient was added to grated orchid bulbs and parsnips and also combined with pine nuts and pistachios. Arugula greens are frequently used in salads and pasta.

The Aztecs called the avocado tree "Ahuacuatl which translated means "testicle tree". The ancients thought the fruit hanging in pairs on the tree resembled the male's testicles. This is a delicious fruit with a sensuous texture. Serve in slices with a small amount of Balsamic vinegar and freshly ground pepper.

The banana flower has a marvelous phallic shape and is partially responsible for popularity of the banana as an aphrodisiac food. An Islamic myth tells the tale that after Adam and Eve succumbed to the "Apple" they started covering their "nudity" with banana leaves rather than fig. From a more practical standpoint bananas are rich in potassium and B vitamins, necessities for sex hormone production.

Basil (sweet basil)
Is said to stimulate the sex drive and boost fertility. It is also said to produce a general sense of well being for body and mind.

The Aztecs referred to chocolate "nourishment of the Gods". Chocolate contains chemicals thought to effect neurotransmitters in the brain and a related substance to caffeine called theobromine. Chocolate contains more antioxidant (cancer preventing enzymes) than does red wine. The secret for passion is to combine the two. Try a glass of Cabernet with a bit of dark chocolate for a sensuous treat or let us temp you with our recipe for Chocolate Espresso Pots de creme.

Another good reason to eat carrots--believed to be a stimulant to the male. The phallus shaped carrot has been associated with stimulation since ancient times and was used by early Middle Eastern royalty to aid seduction. High vitamins and beta-carotene. Perhaps a justification for a piece of carrot cake?

Caffeine is a well-know stimulant but remember, too much and it becomes a depressant. Serve small amounts of rich dark coffee in special little demitasse cups. Coffee stimulates both the body and the mind so partake of a little in preparation for an "all-nighter".

Coriander (Cilantro seed)
The book of The Arabian nights tells a tale of a merchant who had been childless for 40 years and but was cured by a concoction that included coriander. That book is over 1000 years old so the history of coriander as an aphrodisiac dates back far into history. Cilantro was also know to be used as an "appetite" stimulant.

An open fig is thought to emulate the female sex organs and traditionally thought of as sexual stimulant. A man breaking open a fig and eating it in front of his lover is a powerful erotic act. Serve fresh Black Mission figs in a cool bowl of water as it is done in Italy and be sure to eat with your fingers!

The 'heat' in garlic is said to stir sexual desires. Make sure you and your partner share it together. Garlic has been used for centuries to cure everything from the common cold to heart ailments. This is a good time for moderation. Enjoy a pasta with a lightly garlicky sauce and it and lead up to something spicy in the bedroom later.

Ginger root raw, cooked or crystallized is a stimulant to the circulatory system. Perhaps a stir-fry with freshly grated ginger can stir something spicy up in the bedroom later.

Many medicines in Egyptian times were based on honey including cures for sterility and impotence. Medieval seducers plied their partners with Mead, a fermented drink made from honey. Lovers on their "Honeymoon" drank mead and it was thought to s "sweeten" the marriage.

Liquorice (licorice)
The Chinese have used licorice for medicinal purposes since ancient times. The essence of the Glycyrrhiza glabra (licorice) plan, glycrrhizin, is 50 time sweeter than sugar. Chewing on bits of licorice root is said to enhance love and lust. It is particularly stimulating to woman.

Believed to stimulate the sexual glands and increase desire. Prepare a tenderloin roast (filet mignon) for two with a mustard and peppercorn sauce.

Nutmeg was highly prized by Chinese women as an aphrodisiac. In quantity nutmeg can produce a hallucinogenic effect. A light sprinkling of the spice in a warm pumpkin soup can help spice up your evening.

Oysters were documented as a aphrodisiac food by the Romans in the second century A.D as mentioned in a satire by Juvenal. He described the wanton ways of women after ingesting wine and eating "giant oysters". An additional hypotheses is that the oyster resembles the "female" genitals. In reality oysters are a very nutritious and high in protein.

Pine Nuts
Zinc is a key mineral necessary to maintain male potency and pine nuts are rich in zinc. Pine nuts have been used to stimulate the libido as far back as Medieval times. Serve pine nut cookies with a dark espresso for a stimulating dessert.

Rich in vitamin C and and is used in the homeopathic treatment for impotence. Add a spear to a sweet Rum drink for a tasty prelude to an evening of passion.

Raspberries and Strawberries
Perfect foods for hand feeding your lover. "Both invite love and are described in erotic literature as fruit nipples" Both are high in vitamin C and make a sweet light dessert.

The Greeks and the Romans considered the rare Truffle to be an aphrodisiac. The musky scent is said to stimulate and sensitize the skin to touch.

The scent and flavor of vanilla is believed to increase lust. According to the Australian Orchid Society, "Old Totonac lore has it that Xanat, the young daughter of the Mexican fertility goddess, loved a Totonac youth. Unable to marry him due to her divine nature, she transformed herself into a plant that would provide pleasure and happiness." Fill tall Champagne glasses to the rim and add a vanilla bean for a heady, bubbly treat.

A glass or two of wine can greatly enhance a romantic interlude. Wine relaxes and helps to stimulate our senses. Drinking wine can be an erotic experience. Let your eyes feast on the color of the liquid. Caress the glass, savor the taste on your lips. Do remember that excessive alcohol will make you too drowsy for the after-dinner romance. A moderate amount of wine has been said to "arouse erections" but much more than that amount with have the reverse affect.

Tuesday, August 05, 2003

Public Service

As you may or may not know, the KOTWF is taken. But have no fear, I haven't let my mad skills with the ladies fall into disrepair. Quite the opposite, in fact. I follow a strict daily regiment of exercising my flirtation and romance muscles. And, out of pure charity and goodwill, and court ordered community service, I have decided to offer my help to the less fortunate out there in internet-land. The following text is the tried and true "KOTWF Seduction Letter Template." Simply insert the necessary information where indicated and remember to use protection.


I've thought you were beautiful from the moment I met you. I know that that is not what you expected to hear. No love at first sight or instant attraction. No ridiculous romantic garbage of any sort. I just thought you were beautiful.

But then we (SOMETHING YOU DID TOGETHER) together. And I got to know you a little bit better. And realized I was attracted to you. And, yes, I wanted you.

The night after (SOMETHING YOU DID TOGETHER), when you said (ANY BULLSHIT SHE SAID THAT YOU REMEMBER), I wanted more than anything to (ANYTHING INVOLVING THE TWO OF YOU EXCEPT THE PHRASE "THROW MY P IN YOUR BUTT"). I wanted to, but I was afraid of being hurt. Little did I know how much it would hurt not to.

Then (SOMETHING THAT HAPPENED THAT MADE YOU NOT SEE EACH OTHER, EVEN FOR A FEW MINUTES), and I missed you terribly. We had known each other for (AMOUNT OF TIME YOU'VE KNOWN HER, DELETE THIS LINE IF IT IS IN MINUTES), but it was only then that I was learning who you really were, and I was realizing just how much I liked everything I learned. And since then, I have thought about you often, I have dreamed about you steadily, and, I admit it, I have fantasized about you from time to time.

I don't know that it would work out between us, (PLEASE TELL ME YOU CAN REMEMBER HE NAME LONG ENOUGH TO STICK IT HERE), but I can't see any reason good enough to keep us from finding out.

Maybe I'm crazy, but I think that you and I could (WHATEVER YOU WANT TO DO WITH HER. THE PHRASE "BUMP UGLIES" MIGHT NOT WIN BROWNIE POINTS) together. And if God (REPLACE GOD WITH SATAN, OR ODIN, OR JIMMY CARTER AS RELIGIOUS BELIEFS REQUIRE) made anything better than that, he kept it for himself.

With Hope and Understanding,

Use this gift wisely, my children. Go forth and multiply.

Monday, August 04, 2003

How To Not Pick Up Chicks

I was out with my friend Bill, and he was amazed at my ability to talk to any girl in the club. After he had pestered me enough about my skills with the ladies, I finally decided to let him in on the secret.

"Well," I said, "I use a little wordplay to figure out if they are going to be receptive. I walk up to a girl and say 'Can I tickle your ass with a feather?' If she laughs, I'm in. If she says 'What?' then I say 'I said particularly nasty weather.'"

"Wow!" says Bill, who is by this time quite inebriated, "Can I try it?"


Bill approaches the hottest girl in the club and says, "Can I stick a feather up your ass?"

"What did you just say?"

"It's gonna fucking rain."

Friday, August 01, 2003

Fan Mail!

The KOTWF receives a fan letter from a reader who shall remain nameless, unless, of course, she doesn't want to. Or something.

----- Original Message -----
From: One of Your 3 Readers
Sent: Thursday, July 31, 2003 12:46 PM
Subject: A Dios Mio!

Dear Sir,

Your website is wonderful, wicked and scary in ways I dare not express. Please continue to "keep on, keepin' on" for the sake of readers such as myself.

All the best, etc. etc.

"Putting the ass in classy."

----- Original Message -----
To: T
Sent: Friday, August 1, 2003 3:39 PM
Subject: Re: A Dios Mio!

My Dear T,*

Upon receiving your e-mail, I was lost in a sea of emotion.

First, allow me to say that your all-but-too kind sentiments are greatly appreciated. Knowing that I have brought amusement and delight to your life will take away some of the constant pain I feel from the parasites, and, when it finally happens that I shuffle off this mortal coil, I will pass easily, because I will live on through the joy that I have brought you.

Second, I wanted to say gobbledygook. I don't know why, I just like that word.

Third, receiving this e-mail, mail...has actually made me think about putting down the gun and coming out with my hands up. Not only have you given me a new lease on life, but you have saved the lives of dozens of hostages.

I guess what I'm trying to say is, "Thanks."


* This e-mail may not actually contain a word of truth.**

**Except for the "Thanks" part. Really, thanks.