Monday, November 24, 2003

So Where've I Been Lately?

From the local Argus:

Local Man Sentenced in Bizarre Trial

Ohio: Trent Elliott, otherwise known as the "Flanders Pigeon Murderer," "KOTWF," and "Oh God Here He Comes," was found guilty today on charges of public lewdness, attempted suicide by scotch consumption, wantonly performing "Johnny B. Goode" and "Zuit Suit Riot" at shady karaoke bars, and endangering countless innocent marriages through his astounding good looks and charm.

Counsel for Mr. Elliott responded to the trial results: "Well, we fought the good fight, and we tried to get a fair trial for the KOTWF. Things probably would have gone better if we could have restrained him from bringing his hip-flask to the trial. And I don't think his constant winking at the Judge's wife helped. In the end, though, justice won out. I mean, let's face it, the little S.O.B. is guilty as sin!"

We managed to speak with Mr. Elliott for a few moments before the sentencing, and he had this to say: "I gotsa lotsa reasons t'be *$^#*ing &*^$ed off! Who th' %$&# do those #$%holes think I am? It wasn'nt 'tempted sewerside, I kin drink ten times asmuch scotch. Hand me tha' bawdle!"

The sentence that Mr. Elliott now faces is 50 lashes from a supermodel's tongue. When asked for comment on Mr. Elliott's sentence, Warden Claudia Schiffer said this: "Us girls are really excited about being able to bring someone like that to justice. We'll give him exactly what he deserves. In fact, I've already promised to extend his sentence for good behavior."

Ms. Schiffer went on to explain that the sentence would also be extended for naughty behavior, or "if the rumors are true."

Mr. Elliott has received a work release, and will be serving his sentence for two hours per night, over the next 50 nights.

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