Thursday, August 03, 2006

Click At Your Own Risk. NSFW.

We'll get back in to this thing with an educational post.

On my 20 minute morning commute, I listen to the The Bob and Tom Show. I find that 20 minutes is about the perfect dose, in which they are pretty funny, and don't start to grate on you. In any event, yesterday morning, they played the song "Internet Porn" by Da Vinci's Notebook. I decided to type up the lyrics and add a few hyperlinks to help you get a better idea of what these guys are talking about.

Back in the not too distant past
When I would need a quick repast
Or a temporary break from my agenda

Up to the bedroom I would head
Pull out the
Playboy from 'neath the bed
And sneak a peak at all the portraits of

My alternatives were slim
If I tried to find another source for sin
I'd have to hang out with the losers in the backroom of my local video store

But last month I finally made the call
I got a brand new cable modem installed
And it opened up the floodgates of a whole new universe of INTERNET PORN

Internet porn:
Roman Orgy Scenes
Internet porn:
Dominatrix Queens
Internet porn:
Girl on girl on girl on girl on girl on guy on sheep

Internet porn:
Gross Anatomy
Internet porn:
Pam and Tommy Lee
Internet porn: When you're given so much to choose from who has time to sleep?

Honestly honey, I dunno how the link got on there!

After my girlfriend goes to sleep
And I get out of bed and down the hall I creep
So I can hunker down and wallow in depravity until 3 or 4

You'll always find me in that same tableau
Silloueted by my monitor's warm glow
And absorbing all the bounty from the cornocopia of INTERNET PORN

Internet porn:
Barely legal teens
Internet porn: Naughty figurines
Internet porn: Geriatric German grandmas spanking Spanish men

Internet porn:
Erotic Asian art
Internet porn: Guys with extra parts
Internet porn: I don't think I'm ever going to see the sun again!

Internet porn:
Internet porn: There's my neighbor's mom
Internet porn: Bikers wearing diapers chasing nurses dressed like smurfs

Internet porn:
Massage le crevage
Internet porn: Oh le trois menage
Internet porn: Every kind of smut from every corner of the earth!

Bob and Tom followed this song up with an education in some of the more bizarre love-acts available today in the form of "Cleveland Steamer" by the Mad Armenians. Again, links have been added, but I beg you not to click.

Your girl complains about the way you love her
its just the same old mattress dance each time
nothin's ever new
wham bam and you are through
well why not try these moves I found online

Do the
Cleveland steamer
or try the donkey punch
the old Egyptian tea-bag
could be the perfect lunch

she'll love a
Gaylord Perry
or the old rusty trombone
and a German knuckle cake
will really make her moan

She thinks you're immature
sometimes boring
so spice things up and cruise the internet
google will retrieve
some things you wont believe
so give your girl a night she won't forget

Do the
dirty Sanchez
or try the change machine
Pasadena mudslide
will really make her scream

Try a
Roman helmet
or a good old mini van
or do a Pittsburgh platter
to prove that you're the man the old

Moroccan meatball
a Bulgarian gas mask
the Alabama hot pocket
best she doesn't ask

disappearing panda
or the raspberry beret
the San Juan Capastrano
just might make her day

give her the
dirty muskie
or try the snow mobile
I'm sure a Boston pancake
will really make her squeal

do the
big boy combo
or the old Swiss Army Knife
and if she likes the
fish hook
make this girl your wife

Cleveland steam your wife
then find a brand new wife

Your education is now nearly complete. Tomorrow, we learn about DVDA.

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