Tuesday, October 21, 2003


Sorry I've been a little out of touch lately. I've been having a few minor problems.

You see, it all started with my spleen. I've been drinking a lot lately, and I was beginning to feel bad for my liver. Trooper that he is, he never complained once, but nonetheless I felt like maybe it was time for some of those worthless vestigial organs to take up the slack. Because I had my appendix removed in a freak yachting accident a few years back, and because Red still hasn't convinced me that my brain is vestigial, it fell to my spleen.

A few shots of Bombay Sapphire later, my spleen started to be a real dick. He hadn't been exposed to ethanol before, and, quite frankly, he's a sloppy drunk. One minute, he's got delusions of grandeur about how important he is now that he processes the liquor, the next minute he's vomiting bile everywhere and ruining my shoes.

So I had him removed. "Goodbye Mr. Spleen! You lazy, good-for-nothing freeloader!"

Then it dawned on me! I hate dieting, but I need to lose about 10 pounds. I figured, "Hey! I could probably lose ten pounds of organ meat and not even miss it!" This was the best idea I'd ever had. I spent the next 3 days lying in a hospital bed having portions of my organs removed so I could get back down to my fighting weight. It wasn't until the infection set in that I realized something: organs aren't just dead weight. Do you have any idea what your spleen does? It filters out foreign organisms that infect your blood, removes your old or damaged platelets and red blood cells, stores extra blood and releases it as needed, and forms some types of white blood cells. And that's just your spleen! I mean, imagine how much some other organ like your heart or your stomach or your green squiggly thing does!

There was only one thing for it. I had to call up all those nice people that were using my organs and get them back. That wasn't too tough though, because the doctor said that my organs were in such a sad shape that they just threw them in the dumpster out back anyway.

Anyway, I've spent the last few days working double-overtime to try and cover my hospital bill, and sucking up to all my organs and apologizing for being so mean to them.

Now each of them gets a turn as the liver once a month.

And that's why I haven't been posting lately.

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