Tuesday, October 14, 2003

Wedding Day

Saturday was a turning point in my life. I woke up, threw down a few cocktails, and put on a tux. I then stood in front of many friends and family members as a beautiful woman dressed all in white walked down the aisle towards me. I stood there silently, sweating, as she said her vows. I smiled at her, then my friend said his vows and we all went to the reception.

The groom’s younger brother, Bill, was the Best Man, but I was assigned to give the Best Man’s Speech, so when the DJ announced, “And now our Best Man, KOTWF, would like to give a toast” I felt like I had to say something to make Bill feel better. The speech went like this:

Thank you, Jeff, although, just like at that nudist wedding I attended last week, I’m an inch away from being best man.

I’d like to start by making a brief announcement: I just saved 15% on car insurance!

When I was asked to give this speech tonight, I was honored. You see, I’ve known John for 24 years. I was there in fourth grade when he kissed his first girlfriend. I was there a few weeks later when she broke up with him using that classic line: “You look like a big red apple.” I was there the night he left for Army Boot Camp (My body was there anyway. My mind was at the bottom of a bottle of scotch). And I was there the night that John and Trisha met. In fact, I had been friends with Trisha for a number of years at that point as well, and I introduced the two, so, in a since, I’m the reason you are all here tonight.

In all those years, I’ve taken care of John. Even when we were babies, I had to show him which part of his mother was serving the drinks. I’ve given him countless hours of advice (which he hasn’t followed). And I can’t even count how many times I’ve bailed him out of—never mind.

The point is this: I am glad that John found Trisha, because I think that Trisha is the only person in the world who is beautiful enough, smart enough, and understanding enough to replace me. At this time, I’d like to officially retire from my position as John’s babysitter, and hand the title over to his beautiful, soon to be overworked, bride.

Trisha: Through the years, John has placed me in many awkward positions, but each one has been an exciting experience, and each one has helped strengthen our friendship. In the future, may you and John find yourselves in many enjoyable positions.

John: What can I say? I love you like the brother I never had (Shut-up, Tanner, you were adopted!). May your new life bring you happiness and joy. From now on, I promise that whenever I’m out, I’ll have a hooker for you.

Ladies and Gentlemen: To John and Trisha, and the amazing future that awaits them! (Drinks entire glass, heads straight to bar to refill it)

I think it went pretty well…

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