I drank what?!?

Had a little too much to drink last night at the Vetinari Victory Celebration. Woke up this morning with the worst hangover of my life.....

Vetinari For Mayor

Matthew Baldwin of Defective Yeti had a brilliant idea a few years ago, when the neighbor kid started putting out political signs to elect Harry Potter. He joined the fun.

Now he is hosting a little contest over at The Morning News in which he invites you to do the same. Read Enyclopedia Brown for District Attorney.

These are my contributions.

N'Awlins Roundup!

A friend of mine is heading to New Orleans next month for her anniversary. Being as I've spent quite a few barely remembered hours in the city, she asked for my advice on things to check out while there, specifically, where to go for her Anniversary Dinner.

After some consideration, I decided to post what I sent her here as well, in the hopes that maybe a few people might take my advice and head south for a weekend or two. N'Awlins can use the support.

For your anniversary dinner, I would recommend:

The New Orleans Grill at Windsor Court. They have a "Chef's Tasting Menu" that is 5 or 6 small courses in which the waiters give you a description of each thing as it is brought out. It's between $100 and $150 per person.

If you want the wine pairings (5 3/4 glasses of wine selected by a Sommelier to pair perfectly with each course) it is an additional $75 each. It is one of the best restaurants in the city, but, it is in the Business District, not the Quarter. However, you CANNOT go wrong.

Some other suggestions if you want a different atmosphere, or just don't want a $400 dinner tab (can't blame you):

Galatoires: This is right on Bourbon, serves a damn fine meal, and is also a New Orleans institution. A few years ago, when they fired a waiter who had been on the staff for about 15
years (for sexual harassment) it made the front page of the Times-Picayune.

Arnaud's: Another great restaurant, right in the heart of the Quarter. There are various dining
options. You can eat either in the main dining room, or in the jazz lounge, or in the oyster bar. One word of advice; even if you don't eat there for dinner, at least go there for a drink and get an order of their Souffle Potatos. They are FUCKIN' AWESOME!

Antoine's: Another New Orleans classic. Nothing particular to suggest. Just get one of
everything.

Muriel's: This place is great. It's located on the corner of Jackson Square (you'll find it) which is on the edge of the Quarter close to the river. Even if you don't eat dinner here, go in, get a cocktail, and check out the Séance Room. Rumor has it that the former owner committed suicide in that room, and so they've decorated it in a combination of King Tut, Barry White, Marie LeVeaux, and "Queer Eye." Make sure you notice the "ghost's table" on the way up the stairs. That's where they set a place for all the ghosts to eat. Speaking of ghosts, Muriel's is listed as one of the most haunted buildings (I think THE most haunted restaurant) in the USA.

Pascal's Manale: Definitely not a "formal" place, so you may not want to go there for your anniversary. HOWEVER if you do go, you are not allowed to order anything but the barbecued shrimp for your meal. Trust me on this one. This place is not in the quarter, but it is a world famous New Orleans eatery. Lot's of celebs go there when in town. Do yourself a favor and get a dozen oysters at the oyster bar. The shucker will talk and talk and talk about the history of the place, people he's seen in there, and just about anything else you want.

The rest of my suggestions are not very anniversary dinner-y, but some places you should definitely check out:

The Praline Connection: Go to the location on Frenchman Street. Go for a snack/lunch. Order the Soft-Shelled Crawfish appetizer. This is the only place in the world I have seen such a thing.

The Red Fish Grill: This place is on Bourbon, on the edge of the Quarter. Go in for lunch/snack. Order the BBQ Oysters. TRUST ME ON THIS ONE YOU MUST GET THESE!

Drago's Restaurant: This place is in Metairie (between Downtown NOLA and the Airport). They are world famous for their Charbroiled oysters. They grill the fuckers on the half shell.

Hurwitz Mintz: This is a 4 story furniture store that offers everything you could ever want and can't afford. Red and I spend at least an hour in this place every time we go to NOLA. It's right in the quarter, and is a great break from eating and drinking, which you will do ALOT of. They have two stores there, about a block apart, one with more classic, antiquey furniture, and one with modern stuff. I prefer the classic styles, but both stores are worth checking out. While there, visit our dining table for us. It's this one: http://www.apter-fredericks.com/memorable-pieces/372.htm.

The Whisnant Gallery: This is across the street from one of the Hurwitz Mintzes. It is a neat antique store with all kinds of wild shit like a table that is upholstered with zebra skin. Worth a gander.

Pat O'Brien's: This is a VERY touristy spot, but you must go at least once. I recommend twice, to see a different flavor each time. Go during the day and sit outside by the fountain (which burns at night) and enjoy a beverage. Come back after dark and sit in the piano bar. They have two, copper covered, dueling pianos and the place is just a rockin' good time. DO NOT ORDER MORE THAN ONE HURRICANE IT WILL KILL YOU!!!!!

The Chart Room: This is just a corner bar on the corner of Chartres (pronounced charters) and Bienville streets in the Quarter. 1 block off Bourbon, this place offers great drinks, an open front so you can watch people walk by, and does so at prices comparable to local, small town establishments. Additionally, it is 1/2 block from your hotel (the St. Louis), so it is a perfect place for one of you to go get a drink and wait for the other one. Also 1/2 block from your hotel is The Old Absinthe House. They don't serve absinthe, but they have the old marble absinthe serving paraphernalia. A neat place to stop and wait as well.

Cafe Beignet: The Royal Street location is a block from your hotel. Grab a coffee and a Beignet
for breakfast then walk the streets looking for an open bar.

If you walk out to Canal street on the edge of the quarter, you can take a streetcar (not named desire, but whatever) to the Garden District. They have self-guided walking tours that I'm sure you can find some information on somewhere. The walking tours will take you past Commander's Palace (which is apparently not re-opened yet after Katrina, but definitely worth stopping for a meal when it does re-open) as well as all those beautiful old houses. Anne Rice's house is one of the one's you'll pass, if you give a shit about that sort of thing.

Court of Two Sisters: Make a reservation in advance. Go to the Jazz Brunch Buffet. I suggest getting there about 1/2 hour before breakfast is over and lunch begins so you get the best of both worlds. Order a bottle of mimosa, which is French for "I don't want to wait until noon to get smashed" and eat everything you see. Make sure you try the Turtle soup. Warning: this is a tourist destination, but, hey, you're tourists, and it is soooo good.

Be careful! You should be pretty safe in the quarter (it is full of tourists most of the time) but the quarter borders some pretty seedy places. The worst projects in the country are just outside the quarter, next to the St. Louis #1 cemetery (where they filmed Easy Rider, by the
way).

Well, that should about do it. Enjoy your trip.

Click At Your Own Risk. NSFW.

We'll get back in to this thing with an educational post.

On my 20 minute morning commute, I listen to the The Bob and Tom Show. I find that 20 minutes is about the perfect dose, in which they are pretty funny, and don't start to grate on you. In any event, yesterday morning, they played the song "Internet Porn" by Da Vinci's Notebook. I decided to type up the lyrics and add a few hyperlinks to help you get a better idea of what these guys are talking about.

Back in the not too distant past
When I would need a quick repast
Or a temporary break from my agenda

Up to the bedroom I would head
Pull out the Playboy from 'neath the bed
And sneak a peak at all the portraits of pudenda.

My alternatives were slim
If I tried to find another source for sin
I'd have to hang out with the losers in the backroom of my local video store

But last month I finally made the call
I got a brand new cable modem installed
And it opened up the floodgates of a whole new universe of INTERNET PORN

Internet porn: Roman Orgy Scenes
Internet porn: Dominatrix Queens
Internet porn: Girl on girl on girl on girl on girl on guy on sheep

Internet porn: Gross Anatomy
Internet porn: Pam and Tommy Lee
Internet porn: When you're given so much to choose from who has time to sleep?

Honestly honey, I dunno how the link got on there!

After my girlfriend goes to sleep
And I get out of bed and down the hall I creep
So I can hunker down and wallow in depravity until 3 or 4

You'll always find me in that same tableau
Silloueted by my monitor's warm glow
And absorbing all the bounty from the cornocopia of INTERNET PORN

Internet porn: Barely legal teens
Internet porn: Naughty figurines
Internet porn: Geriatric German grandmas spanking Spanish men

Internet porn: Erotic Asian art
Internet porn: Guys with extra parts
Internet porn: I don't think I'm ever going to see the sun again!

Internet porn: Male-in-love.com
Internet porn: There's my neighbor's mom
Internet porn: Bikers wearing diapers chasing nurses dressed like smurfs

Internet porn: Massage le crevage
Internet porn: Oh le trois menage
Internet porn: Every kind of smut from every corner of the earth!

Bob and Tom followed this song up with an education in some of the more bizarre love-acts available today in the form of "Cleveland Steamer" by the Mad Armenians. Again, links have been added, but I beg you not to click.

Your girl complains about the way you love her
its just the same old mattress dance each time
nothin's ever new
wham bam and you are through
well why not try these moves I found online

Do the Cleveland steamer
or try the donkey punch
the old Egyptian tea-bag
could be the perfect lunch

she'll love a Gaylord Perry
or the old rusty trombone
and a German knuckle cake
will really make her moan

She thinks you're immature
sometimes boring
so spice things up and cruise the internet
google will retrieve
some things you wont believe
so give your girl a night she won't forget

Do the dirty Sanchez
or try the change machine
Pasadena mudslide
will really make her scream

Try a Roman helmet
or a good old mini van
or do a Pittsburgh platter
to prove that you're the man the old

Moroccan meatball
a Bulgarian gas mask
the Alabama hot pocket
best she doesn't ask

the disappearing panda
or the raspberry beret
the San Juan Capastrano
just might make her day

give her the dirty muskie
or try the snow mobile
I'm sure a Boston pancake
will really make her squeal

do the big boy combo
or the old Swiss Army Knife
and if she likes the fish hook
make this girl your wife

Cleveland steam your wife
then find a brand new wife

Your education is now nearly complete. Tomorrow, we learn about DVDA.

...And She Can Deep Throat the Bottle

This article seems like it is just ripe for jokes. But where to begin? Do I comment on the fact that I've seen her drink something out of a wine glass, but it definitely wasn't FDA approved? Do I joke about how she is saving money on raw materials because one of the ingredients is yeast? Should I suggest that a bottle of her wine and one of her videos is the perfect date? Do I mention that you don't need to buy a bottle of her wine in order to see her naked?

Or do I claim that the type of yeast she uses is Assmannshausen?

Memories of a Great Man I Never Met

27 years ago today, there was an accident. My grandfather, the man who selected and purchased the farm on which half of my family lives, the man who built the riverfront cottage from which I have so many memories, the man who founded the company that puts food on the table of my grandmother, father, stepmom, uncles, aunts, cousins, and takes care of my wife and daughter, was killed.

Two months later I was born. I’m named after him, but called by my middle name, because his death was still too fresh. I see his portrait every day in the front hall of our office, but I’ve never seen his face.

And somehow, despite never having met the man, I miss him. Here are some memories that others have shared:

1. My grandfather used to love to watch the satellites go overhead at night. Back then there weren’t too many, and he knew which ones were which. My father came home one night, and went out back where my grandfather was watching satellites drinking Echo Spring. Dad sat down, and they stared at the sky in silence.

After a while, an opossum waddled up out of the woods, sniffed at the bourbon in grandpa’s glass, then went to the big bowl of dog-food by the door and helped itself. When it had finished eating, it wandered back over the hill. Silence returned to the back porch while more satellites passed overhead. Finally, my grandfather broke the silence:

“That was the ugliest dog I’ve ever seen.”

2. Another time, my grandfather was out in Columbus, OH. As he was walking into the back door of a watering-hole, a large man on the way out jostled him hard in the shoulder. Harsh words were exchanged, and the end result was that my grandfather continued on his way into the bar, leaving the other man lying in the alley.

That night, the same man arrived at my grandfather’s hotel. He was there to collect $500 for the suit that gramps had ruined during the fight. Grandpa said, no, I’m not paying you for the suit. Words were exchanged again, and granddad suggested that they step back outside. This time, however, the other man pulled his hand out from behind him to reveal a cast. Turns out that he had broken his hand on gramp’s head, but grandpa hadn’t noticed.

As an added twist, the Golden Gloves competition was in Columbus that weekend, and the large, suit wearing gentleman was the 2nd place champion.

Others have told me stories of when they were younger and got into trouble. They’ve said that often their parents would respond with “call Bill, he’ll take care of you.”

One employee at the company started in a temporary position for my grandfather. His two week employment has turned into 35 years. He still speaks with reverence whenever he tells a story about grandpa.

I don’t know what happens to us after we die, but I hope that wherever my grandfather is, he can see me, and find some reason to be proud.

Here's What I Think of You!

















Suckers.

Almost used to this fatherhood thing. Be back soon.

The Force is Strong with This One...












You will change my diaper now...

Recent Developments

















Name: Little Miss Magic
Father: KOTWF
Mother: Red
DOB: February 5, 2006
Time of Birth: 3:15 pm
Weight: 9 pounds 2 Ounces
Length: 21 Inches

More to come after I've had some sleep.

Paid Advertisement

Coming soon, to a theatre near you: GIRLS GONE WILDE!





















Special thanks to Oarah for helping clean up my amateurish photoshop.

The Things I Do For You

I know I haven't been around much. This whole fatherhood thing is kicking my ass. And I'm not even there yet.

Red and I got to spend the night in the hospital last night, getting her blood pressure, temperature, and reflexes checked every half-hour. On the plus side, they gave her a sedative, so she slept almost through the night, which means I slept almost through the night.

This morning, I kissed her goodbye, promised to come back to visit later today, and ran out the door in order to be late for work.

While I'm dealing with this stuff, and probably having a baby some time in the next week, I'll give you some new toys to play with:

Condomania
The only place I know of that sells custom fitted condoms. Just print out the measuring tool, measure to see (in medical terms here) just how dinky is your wang, then order your exact size. Personally, I still haven't placed my order because I'm right in between two sizes: Harvey Villachez and Kenny Baker.

Pandora
This little bit of fun is from the same people who do the Music Genome Project. It is a streaming radio station that is custom tailored to your tastes. Punch in a song title or artist you like, and they'll give you music that has similar traits. After a few "thumbs up" or "thumbs down" you should have your station dialed in and experience some cool new music.

Enjoy yourselves while I'm out populating the world.

Home Entertainment!

There are a lot of changes going on among the females in the house. Red is getting pregnanter and pregnanter ( is that possible or a word?) and, in the meantime, our dog Layla has gone through the change of life prematurely.

For a cool Franklin, our veterinarian was happy to put her on one of those instantaneous weight loss programs. You know the ones. She went in weighing 23 pounds, and woke up two hours later weighing 22.5, minus one uterus.

None of this is funny.

The home entertainment comes in once you add the acoutrements that the vet gave us to keep Layla from licking and chewing on her hysterectomy incision. She keeps walking her new collar into walls and not being able to go forward. I've had to physically pull the dog off of corners of the counter four times in the last two days. This is entertainment at its best. A stupid dog wearing oversized headgear.

See for yourself.
































C'mon! Admit it! That's funny shit.

Change is in the wind

Thanks for reading! (cue crickets) I know it's been a while since I've posted, but I've been busy.

What!?! You ask. How could anything take me away from this blog, which I snatched from the jaws of death and raised from a cub as if it was my own? What in the world, besides the last fitful slumber of my mortal coil, could prevent me posting the details of who said what at the mall last night, and how much Stacy likes Johnny but Johnny likes Steve? Why would I allow anything to come between me and my beloved, adoring fan(s)?

Because any day now, the greatest masterpiece of my life will arrive:



I'm going to start blogging again on a regular basis, because I don't want to forget a single detail of how I act, how I feel, what I think, and just how much scotch I can consume between midnight feedings. I may start blogging a bit more about my family, and my daughter, but rest assured, it will still be fucked up and funny. I'm still the same KOTWF.

I'm here for you, baby.