Oldie But Goody
In honor of Talk Like A Pirate Day, I give you the best pirate joke, ever:
I was sitting in a bar last night, drinking my Captain Morgan on the rocks, when an old man walked in. Well, walked is a bad description. He more like hobbled in. He sat down and I began to look him over.
His hobble was caused by the fact that his right leg was in fact made out of a wooden peg. He ordered a drink and had to clasp it in his left hand, because his right had been replaced with a steel hook, and he looked around the room with his one eye, the other having been covered with a black patch bearing a skull and cross bones.
I had to ask, "Excuse me, sir. Sorry to bother you, but, well, are you a pirate?"
"Aye!" he responded, "That I be."
"You mean 'Yes I am'," I said, "Nevermind. If you don't mind my asking, how did you lose your leg?"
"Well, lad," he snarled, "I was on me ship, the Saucy Sue when I was tossed inta Davie Jones's Locker by a wave. A'fore I could even make it back aboard, this great beast come out of the deep and had me leg fer dinner. Aye!"
"Wow," I said, "And how did you lose your hand?"
"Aah," he replied, "I was so angry at losin' me leg, that I spent a year searchin' fer the beast what done it. I got 'im, too. But when me crew pulled him aboard ship, he freed himself and with one snap of his mighty jaws he had me hand ta foller me leg. Aye."
"Jeez! One last question. What happened to your eye?"
"You see lad," he smiled, "I was in the crows nest watchin' the horizon, when a great seagull flew by and took a shite. I got a great heap o' seagull shite right in me eye."
"And the seagull shit blinded you?" I asked incredulously.
"Well," he said sheepishly as he looked around the bar, "it was me first day with the hook."