So Where Have I Been?

Truth be told, gentle reader, I have spent the last week on a faith journey. I have traveled the inner recesses of my soul in an attempt to discover the TRUTH. I stand before you today a changed man. No longer am I an infamous (note the dripping sarcasm on that word), agnostic internet personality, I am now a man of God.

These websites will help you understand my new dogma:

I believe that alien abductions can be prevented by oscillating fans, crow bars, and salt.

I believe that Jesus Christ has tried to return to us, riding in a UFO, and the government has covered it up to avoid the destruction of capitalism.

I believe that invisible CIA agents are the #1 cause of car accidents

I believe the lesbian mafia is bent on taking over the government.

I believe that the moon is populated by hundreds of Friedrich Nietzsches.

I believe I am a god with amnesia who is currently suffering a migraine because according to the ancient religion of the Mayans I am shifting from 2 stranded DNA to 12 stranded DNA.

I believe that mankind's selfishness is killing off the last living dinosaurs: Amazing Prehistoric Dogs! (They're practically invisible!)

I believe exorcisms can be performed with nothing but a "no demon allowed" graphic.

I believe that if I help this guy he'll give me a free ring that will make me immortal.

I believe children are the future.

I believe that many of the people on the internet belong here...