Friday, April 11, 2003

Actual E-Mail Conversation I Had With Some Friends This Morning...

From: Tim
Sent: Friday, April 11, 2003 6:17.02
To: The Group
Subject: Russian Women Really Do Not Shave!!!

Okay, I'm at a bar near my apartment last night and I meet this Russian chick named Irina. I couldn't understand a friggin word she said, but she was hot, so it didn't matter. After talking for over an hour, we decided to go back to her place.

We talked more...but who cares about that. I still didn't understand a friggin word she said.

Skipping to the comedic part of my evening...

Now, as I'm undressing her, the first thing I look for is a sign of hairy armpits...because of the rumors that Russian women are really hairy all over...and Jesus Christ...were those pits hairy. I mean, this was beyond having Buckwheat in a headlock! It was like having Buckwheat, Albert Einstein and Cosmo Kramer all in a headlock at the same time.

Then I thought...fine she has hairy armpits. I'm willing to let that pass. I mean, how often would I be looking at this chicks' armpits. Then I get downtown to the holy of holies and...My was even hairier! I get down there and it was like, WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE! Now, mind you...we're in the dark and I'm trying to find the good stuff and it's getting a little difficult because this chick has decided to have a full grown beard covering her coochie! I started to get pissed because I couldn't find finally, I turned on the light...saying I like it with the light on...she said something else that I couldn't understand...I took it as "We're all good," and returned to my search for The Holy Cooch.

Yes, I did find it and after the search, the rest of the night went well.

I don't know if I'll be seeing her again!


Sent: Friday, April 11, 2003 6:46 AM
To: The Group
Subject: Re: Russian Women Really Do Not Shave!!!


I am so disappointed in you...YOU OF ALL PEOPLE! You have always taught me that we should never judge people based on stereotypes and pre-formed thoughts. How dare you announce to the entire English speaking world that ALL Russian girls are hairy sluts when in fact you only have evidence to back up that at least ONE Russian girl is a hairy slut. And yes, she is a slut, because what kind of a girl would have sex with you if she had only known you for an hour, and couldn't even speak to you during that hour because she couldn't understand you and you couldn't understand her.

Of course, what kind of a girl would have sex with you if she had known you for more than an hour and had actually spoken to you. I'll have to give this more thought.

But I digress. As I was saying, you have not taken a large enough sample to be able to back up your conclusion. At present, your statement, that ALL Russian girls are hirsute, is mere conjecture and hearsay. AND, I might add, borders on being stereotypical, derogatory, and racist to commies everywhere.

I appeal to the group that they should disregard everything that our bigot friend, Tim, wrote, for the sake of international goodwill with those pinko, war-mongering foreigners. I mean, if left unchecked, he could start spouting off, without grounds, about those cheese-eating, frog-licking surrender monkeys known as the French. And none of us want that, do we? No.

I also hereby assign young Timothy with homework. You are now to seek out every Russian woman in the greater New York area, ply them with massive quantities of alcohol, and bed them. When, in your own heart, you feel that
you have taken a large enough sample to come to a truly scientific conclusion on this most pressing of issues, you must report your findings back to the group.

I think that, if we all take the steps I have laid out in this e-mail, then we will have narrowly sidestepped a serious, international incident with those hateful, Marxist people we call our Russian Friends.

Until this issue is settled...Tim, I now pronounce you a temporary member of the axis of evil.


From: Eric
Sent: Friday, April 11, 2003 7:37 AM
To: The Group
Subject: Re: Russian Women Really Do Not Shave!!!

Bravo, KOTWF. Tim's depilatory comments display as always his wanton disregard for people of varied ethnicity. And people with hairy pits, too.

I think Tim should also use a control group in his assignment. Tim, please select some Mediterranean women, some English women, a Scandinavian woman, some German women, and one of those Geisha girls. Basically anyone you can find in Times Square at midnight. To make it more scientific, of course. You should make your study double blind. This should be easy, seeing as you are already blind yourself.

We should also require some kind of physical evidence. Perhaps streaming video or hair samples in little baggies.


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