I must be the most popular SOB on the face of the planet. I come into work every morning and am greeted by no less than 40 emails from people who DESPERATELY want to give me things just because I am so damn cool.
This morning, I had two different people begging me to let them teach me how to make money. Don't you see, they wanted to teach me THEIR SECRETS. Then, some foreign guy offered me several million dollars to let him put 20 million in stolen funds in my bank account. I must have a huge cult following overseas for someone to trust me so completely on such an obviously illegal activity. I'm going to take my couple million (tax free of course, because it is illegal) and put it in my brand new pasta pot (free) and hop a flight to Vegas (free).
Once I have my new penis I'll really teach those hookers something. God it's good to be me.