Thursday, August 07, 2003

Complaint Department

Dear Sir,

I visited your so-called “club” last evening, and, after much deliberation, I wish to register a complaint. I have several issues which I feel must be addressed immediately, as if they are not corrected, I can assure you that I will never patronize your establishment again. Rest assured that I am a level-headed, average bloke, and that my views are likely to be shared by the vast majority of your potential customers. I urge you to take these considerations to heart, if only for the sake of your own survival as a business.

First, I would like to say that, as a “club,” you fall down repeatedly. Never in my life have I paid such an exorbitant cover charge and then been disallowed to dance. Every time I even attempted to step foot on the dance floor, the doorman would approach and instruct me, in no uncertain terms, to sit down. Indeed, even my attempts at dancing while not on the floor were effectively nipped in the bud. I finally had no choice but to sit quietly and imagine myself dancing the electric slide out on the floor while I watched the other dancers.

Second, the word “dancers” is semantically incorrect primarily because it was rare for there to be more than one dancer on the floor at a time, and the only dancing they did involved shaking slightly and rolling around on the floor. And they were always women. Now, I am not suggesting that I mind, because I am completely secure in my heterosexuality, and I had no desire to see any men “getting down” on the floor, but I still can’t help but feel that this is decidedly unfair.

Third, I don’t know that you can call it a dance floor because it was only a few feet wide, it was filled with poles, and it was decidedly not a floor. It was much more like a counter. In fact, as the “dancers” went by, I actually had to pick up my drink and move it so they could “dance.”

Fourth, your dress code is a little bit lax. Most dancers started out barely dressed, and I blush to comment on what they were wearing by the time they were finished dancing. I’m sure that having them attired as they were on the same surface where I rested my drinks was breaking some sort of health code.

Fifth, the shoes that many of the people on the dance floor wore were extremely dangerous. Some of them had heels as long as 8 inches. I feel that this posed a serious tripping hazard.

Sixth, all of the people on the dance floor seemed to think that by dancing in front of me, they were entitled to a portion of my unemployment money. Well, I’ll tell you that unless you improve the attitudes of your clientele, then I can spend my hard-earned unemployment elsewhere.

Finally, I think that your advertising is extremely misleading. I’ll have you know that I find nothing even remotely exotic about sitting at a counter/dance floor watching other people have fun and dance while I drink a $5.00 warm beer.

Disappointedly yours,

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