The Best Review Ever!
Ordinarily, I wouldn’t just find someone else’s work, copy parts of it, and put it on my website*, but the review I just read of “Knight Chills” over at Something Awful is quite possibly the funniest movie review ever. Warning, the review contains spoilers of the whole movie, like you give a fuck, because, after you read this review, you will probably never watch the movie. The review contains some great still shots of people who, right now, are being hunted down and assassinated by the Screen Actors Guild. Also, it contains the following character descriptions:
Jackson: “If you've ever wondered where baby fat goes when people grow up and lose it, the answer is it fixes itself firmly to this kid's lard-laden face….Jackson is stuffed so full of butter that you could spread his drool on a dinner roll.”
Nancy: “Nancy is sitting in her school's computer lab, busily being fat and unattractive.”
Detective Galligan: “Detective Galligan, whose's primary role in the movie is to find the absolute dumbest thing to say and then say it.”
It then follows them up with these riveting descriptions of the on-screen action:
“From the suspense of slow-motion dice rolling to the incredibly cliched metaphors of Jack's Lore-Lording, this is one exhilarating waste of ten minutes of my life.”
“The detective then makes a big deal of hauling Jack out of the office and down to the conference room for the sole purpose of letting him go. You know, the roleplaying sequences were a waste of my time, but this is even a waste of the character's time.”
“Zac goes to the high school to find Jack. While he's waiting, he gets needlessly hassled by a huge black school security guard who makes a specific point to tell Zac that he's not afraid of him, no matter what kind of games he plays. Excuse me? Who, in the history of mankind, has ever actually been scared of someone because they play Dungeons & Dragons? Oh yeah, when I think of the sort of person I would never want to meet in a dark alley, it's definitely a D&D player. They might throw dice at me, or mug me with their Dancing Sword of Mog Tiranoth (+3 against ogres)! It's a good thing Jack shows up before Zac has a chance to give the gigantic black guy a paper cut with his character sheet!”
If that isn’t enough to make any movie review worth reading, we also get these helpful life tips:
“I've been to my share of funerals and I've seen more than a few roses on graves, and I have never made the assumption that a dead nerd was coming to kill me.”
“I think it's fair to say that your romantic chances with her are pretty slim, what with you being a decomposing corpse and all. And the way you just splattered her with blood, that's not going to score you any points. Believe me, I've tried that route.”
“So, what did we learn from "Knight Chills?" We learned that if you do business with someone, and years later they get into a car accident, it's your fault. We learned that flowers on graves are evil. We learned that women can treat men as badly as they want without ever suffering any consequences. We learned that no one cares that Uncle Sal is dying. We learned that just because you have a child does not mean that you should put him in your movie. We also learned that grievous and easily avoidable camera problems are acceptable in the final cut of feature length films. We learned that not every little thing that appears in a newspaper is automatically fertile ground for filmmaking. And oh dear God, did we ever learn for hopefully the last time that entire roleplaying sessions should never, ever be put on film. To the film's credit, we also learned a new language. I call it Jacksonese. If you want to learn to speak Jacksonese, eat forty or fifty pounds of marshmallows, then have a friend beat you with a sack of doorknobs. If you can manage to make any sound afterwords, it will be Jacksonese.”
The review also includes a theory on how the movie came to be created in the first place:
“The only possible excuse for the existence of this movie is that a bunch of people were sitting around, lighting themselves on fire and seeing if it would hurt every time, when someone said, ‘Hey, you know what would be a good idea?’”
Go read the review. If you still feel like watching the movie, do us all a favor and end it now.
* This is not actually true.