System Failure

Sorry I’ve been out of touch for so long. The worst thing happened at work last week: I got promoted.

Yup, that’s right. You’re reading the magnum opus of a bonafide “Systems Administrator.”

What does a “Systems Administrator” do? You ask. Well, I’ll tell you. A systems administrator is someone who administers to systems. Around here, most of the systems are very sick, so the only administering I do is reading them the last rites and throwing a ball-bruising wake, complete with cocktail wieners, drinks with umbrellas, and wall-to-wall vomiting. Parties like that require a lot of planning, a stiff of some sort to drink to and cry about, and a tremendous amount of recovery time. So, a typical day will go like this:

Me: Goddammit! Why the fuck isn’t this working right? Everything is in place, everyone is trained, the paper trail looks good, but everything is fucked.

System: Oh God! I’m dying. I can feel the end approaching. (Thrashes about a bit and knocks over my trashcan).

Me: Burn in Hell, you bastard. I’m already deciding what to drink at your fucking funeral.

System: Everything is dark, but I see a light in the distance. It’s calling to me. (Thrashes about a bit more and bleeds out into a truckload of material, contaminating it).

Me: What just happened? How this fuck can everything go so wrong, all the time? Why isn’t this working right? God I need a drink.

System: Lean closer, I want you to hear my last words.

Me: I’m here, System. You’ll be okay. I’ll pull you through.

System: You’re fucked.

Me: Bartender? Talisker, please. Neat. Here’s to you, System. You may have never worked right, and you may have fucked me at every opportunity, but I never wanted you to die. Rest in peace, you piece of shit. I’ll build a better system tomorrow.

Sorry I’ve been so busy, but I’ll try to…shit, another one just died. Later.